Please listen to me.
Read my words, and understand.
I have a momentous announcement.
Long have I wandered in the dark, consumed by sin.
For the lord has spoken to me, and I must renounce my sinful ways.
Oh I must renounce sex, violence, and fine whisky.
Oh I must renounce the tools of mischief and mayhem.
Lord Forgive me for I have sinned
Sinned against god, and man
Now, accordingly, I will be donating all of my firearms to the local chapter of the pink pistols.
On sober reflection, I will be taking oaths of celibacy, of poverty, and of non-violence.
When I have completed my training I will return to minister to my poor misguided friends.
After which, I am certain many will follow my path.
You are all in my prayers.