I was just checking to see how badly my 401k has been hit over the past few weeks, and the internal website was down for maintenance.
I called the 877 number instead... and was accidentally connected to a phone sex line, offering to ream me with a strap-on.
I dialed back, and this time got an actual plan specialist, who informed me my account was down 22% over the past 4 weeks.
... I think I'd rather have been reamed with the strap-on.