God this sucks...

This is going to suck to write.

I'm usually an optimistic person, I need to be. It's the only way I get by.

People call me "tough". I'm not tough, I'm adaptable. I can get used to the "new normal" very quickly. This means I can accept what other people consider hardship without thinking about it too much, as long as I don't compare to other people. This leads to what Chris refers to as "minimizing." It's how I stay somewhat functional.

So this is me, laying it bare.

We're behind on health insurance premiums for Chris.
Chris needs his meds refilled.
I need my antidepressants refilled, and need to make it to the doctor.
We're behind on electric.
We're past due on internet.
I got the minimum amount of heating oil last time, so at some point we will need that.
Cell phones are due soon.
My cell phone is dying.
Chris's laptop is dying.
Chris has very few clothes.
I have very few clothes.
We're getting low on groceries.
We've been low on household goods ever since we left Florida. We have a total of 6 dinner plates.
We don't have much furniture, though at least we have beds for everyone.
We haven't paid the second half of rent for May, and June is coming up.
Stupid car rental company charged us twice what they should have, the rental car is gone, and they think I still owe more.
We have no transportation, and the closest bus stop is 2 1/2 miles away, and won't get Chris to his doctors.

And here's the big one:
Unless we have transportation to take advantage of cancellations, Chris can't get to the doctor for additional testing and radiation before August 9th, and the remaining cancer is growing.

That's just the financial considerations.

Every day I force myself out of bed, feed 5 different bellies, keep the boy from killing himself, make sure Chris has stuff to drink, keep working on potty training the boy, feed everybody again, put the boy down for his nap/ quiet time, think that this is the day that I will attack the disaster that is the house and clean it properly, and instead become an inert pile of exhausted depression.

Then I get up, make dinner, feed people, get the boy cleaned and ready for bed, get the boy in bed, make sure Chris has everything he needs, and collapse again.

I've got a box of hair dye I picked up in January. I've been too exhausted and depressed to use it since then.

Where is Chris in this? Bed bound, between healing, pain, lymphedema, and mobility issues.

I'm doing everything by myself, in the midst of the worst depression I've ever experienced, and I am just exhausted.

It wasn't supposed to be this way. We moved up here before we knew the cancer was back, with the promise of family support. Well, half of the family support disappeared, and the other half is struggling with their own health issues that are incompatible with helping. That was before the cancer.

Before the cancer we also had two different people coming up to help; due to reasons outside of everyone's control, that didn't happen either.

There are 3 bright spots in all of this: we're near some of the best doctors in the world, we really lucked out in our house (in that it's got an in-law apartment, so at least Chris has somewhere to be separate from the family during radiation) with great landlords, and thanks to the kindness of some friends the boy has plenty of clothes and toys and is healthy.

I'm just so tired, and August is a long time to wait to go forward, and we have no idea how much worse Chris will get in this time.

In the meantime we've been working other angles, possible jobs, possible loans, and everything has either been delayed or fallen through.

Without transportation I can't work, I can't put the boy in daycare, and we can't get Chris to the docs when a cancellation opens up.

We're pretty much fucked at this moment, and I feel helpless and like my hands are tied. All for lack of a car and lack of income.

Like I said, I'm an optimistic and adaptable person, and I'm pushed to my limit.

It's much harder and more expensive to survive cancer than it is to die from it. I don't want my husband to die from it just because we seem to have the worst fucking luck in the world, no matter what we do.

I'm going to keep getting up, and keep trying, and keep working angles, and keep watching my husband be in pain and get worse every day, and keep raising our son mostly by myself, and keep doing what needs to be done, but it gets harder every day. I'll never give up, but damn if it doesn't seem much easier.

All for lack of a car, and lack of income.

So as much as I hate it and I was hoping to avoid it (like I said, I've been working angles, they just haven't worked out) I have to ask y'all for help, again.

Please help if you can.

I've still got a GoFundMe up and running, and PayPal to chris@chrisbyrne.com always works.

Thanks all,

Mel

Turning Circles

Everything in the entire material universe, is circles, squares, lines and arcs.

If you can rotate one piece and hold another piece completely still against it to cut it or grind it, you can make anything perfectly round and concentric.

Once you get a set of four pieces perfectly round, concentric, and identical, you can find perfect level.

Once you can make four pieces perfectly round, concentric, and level, you can take a piece and make one surface perfectly flat.

Once you can make one surface perfectly flat and level, you can make a second surface perfectly perpendicular to it, and perfectly flat and level.

Once you can make two surfaces perfectly flat, level, and perpendicular to each other you can always find 90 degrees.

Once you can make things perfectly round and concentric, and make two surfaces perfectly flat and perpendicular to each other, you can make anything flat and square on all sides.

Once you know one exact measurement... all you need to do is hold it up to something else you know the size of... and can make something flat, square, perpendicular, and level on all sides, then you can always find a 45 degree angle.

Once you can make something flat and square on all sides, and you can always find a 45 degree angle, you can make anything flat, square, and true on all sides.

Once you can find an exact measurement, and exact 90 and 45 degree angles, you can always find the center of any measurement, and you can always double any measurement.

Once you can halve and double any measurement, find 90 and 45 degrees, and find the center of any measurement, you can find any measurement at all.

Once you can find 90 degrees, 45 degrees, and any measurement at all, you can find any angle at all.

Once you can make something round, concentric, flat, square and true, and can find any measurement and any angle, you can make any spiral or helix you want, and thus, cut any screw thread or gear you want.

Once you cut four threads and four gears to act against each other, you can double the precision of your threads and gears.

Once you can find any measurement, and the center of any measurement, and can find 90 degrees, and 45 degrees, and any angle at all... and can halve and double them... you can double the precision of your measurements... and redouble them to any degree of precision.

Once you can double the precision of your measurements, and the precision of your threads and gears, you can make anything round, concentric, flat, square, and true at double precision.

Once you can make four flat, square, and true objects at double precision, and four round and concentric flat and shafts at double precision, you can double it again...

Then you can double the precision of your threads and gears again, and redouble, and redouble, to any degree of precision.

...and by doubling, redoubling, and halving, and quartering, over and over, you can find any measurement, of any line, at any degree of precision, and make anything round, concentric, flat, and square to any degree of precision.

Once you can find any measurement, at any degree of precision, and can always find the center, 90 and 45 degrees, you can find any angle, to any degree of precision.

Once you can find always find endpoints, and center points of any line, any measurement, and any angle, at any degree of precision, you can describe any arc, at any degree of precision.

... and cut any screw or gear, at any degree of precision.

Once you can make anything round, concentric, flat, square, true, and level, find any measurement and any angle, cut any screw and any gear, and describe any arc, at any precision...

... you can make anything at all...

This is how the entire industrial world developed, and how everything is still made today...

Everything... everything manufactured piece, every machine, everything in this modern world... begins with the lathe.

Better than expected, but not done by a long shot

So the pathology report came back better than we expected.

Only 7 out of 24 lymph nodes removed were cancerous, and it's solely follicular.

So the cancer wasn't growing as fast as feared.

The bad is that the pathologist is the one who counted the nodes, because the surgeon couldn't identify the number of nodes removed during surgery due to several of the nodes growing together.

Right behind the sternum.

Very challenging surgery.

As for another surgery, the endocrinologist will do further ultrasounds in a few weeks (thus allowing for the swelling to go down sufficiently) and biopsies of anything suspicious. Then he and the surgeon will decide if another surgery is necessary.

NO MATTER WHAT, Chris will be going through radioactive iodine ablation again, about 6 weeks after the final surgery (whether that's this last surgery or another surgery). So he's still going to be limited in what he can do for a few months yet.

So we still need financial support, for those things like medical bills, medical premiums, transportation, utilities, oh and food.

I've still got a GoFundMe set up, and PayPal to chris@chrisbyrne.com always works.

Thanks all,

Mel