Sleep Debt

Sadly, if I get 4 hours a night, I'm lucky... or sick.

In fact, the last time I got more than 4 hours was when I was recovering from almost dying... so yeah.

At the moment though, I'm more sleep deprived than usual.

As I write this, 2am on a Friday morning, I've slept a grand total of about 18 hours in the last 7 days, no more than 2 hours at a time, and no more than 4 hours in any 24.

... and I've had 5 phone interviews so far this week...

I basically never sleep more than 6 hours unless I'm ill, I've physically exhausted myself, or I've gone too many days in a row with less than 4 hours. I don't recall ever having slept 6 or more hours for more than 3 days in a row.

When I was 20 though, I could do that for weeks at a time and still be OK. Not optimal, but OK.

As I've got older, my insomnia has SLIGHTLY improved... But my need for sleep has GREATLY increased.

Honestly, I can't recall an age when I didn't have trouble sleeping (my mother says I never slept much even as a baby) but it started getting bad around age 5, and by 13 I would regularly go days at a time without sleep.

Around 19 I started improving, until I stabilized in my mid 20s averaging around 4 hours a night, with "catchup" nights every few days of 6 hours or so.

From then until the cancer hit hard, I got a bit better, a few more six hour nights, a bit fewer under 4 hour nights etc...

Then the cancer and the endocrine problems made both the insomnia worse, and the need for sleep greater.

Then we had a baby.

Then he started teething and having growing pains at the same time.

That was six months ago... He hasn't stopped yet... won't for a while...

Lovely how that works sometimes huh?

The really funny thing though, is that almost everyone I know online (and most in person for that matter), almost every conversation you have ever had with me, and almost everything I've ever written...

All of it was while I was severely and chronically sleep deprived.

Yes... All of that was me with a fraction of my full energy and focus...

I'll leave it to those who have seen me while I was well rested and healthy to comment on what I'm like then, if they wish. I'm not exactly the best observer there, because I'm so used to it.

Sleep deprived, I do feel slower, less aware alert and perceptive, and less able to focus and split my attention and multi-task effectively. This of course worsens as my sleep debt builds; but until the deprivation gets REALLY bad, it only feels slightly different to me, inside my own head

The perils/joys of insomnia

See, this is what happens when you run around all weekend, then can't sleep at all Sunday night; stay up Monday till you pass out at 5:30pm, then wake up 4 hours later unable to sleep again.

Netflix "Watch Now" is like evil crack for insomniacs.

I'm 15 episodes into season one of "30 rock". I almost never watch sitcoms, because I don't like the format; but this is some funny stuff.

Who'da thought that Alec Baldwin was a comic genius...

I still hate Tracy Morgan though... actually I hate him more now than I did before.

UPDATE: 2 hours later, there went the rest of season one.

Scott Baio is 45, and an ass

... but he's an ass I recognize

Ok, a few disclaimers before we begin so you understand my biases:

1. I HATE reality TV
2. I really dislike Scott Baio, and pretty much every show he's been in

The 8 weeks or so I've been going through a severe bout of insomnia. I haven't had more than two hours sleep in a row, or more than 4 hours in a given 24 hour period, since late May (a couple days before the Texas trip). This has generally meant a lot of reading; but on occasion I watch some late night TV (especially history/discovery/learning channel stuff).

Well, tonight I watched the new Scott Baio reality show "Scott Baio is 45 and single"... and this is embarrasing... because I saw one of his ex girlfriends in a promo commercial, and I couldn't remember her name. It was REALLY bugging me, because I'm incredibly anal retentive about stuff that I know but can't remember, so I wanted to see if they mentioned it in the show (they didn't directly mention her in this episode, but she's supposed to be in the next one and her name - Julie McCullough, who was on Growing Pains - was mentioned in the teasers for that episode).

Really, I was reading about the history of Ubuntu (about ten layers deep on a mindwalk that started with a Slashdot posting) and I just had the show on for background noise waiting to see if they said the girls name; but I was half listening to his story, his behavior, his attitudes etc.. and I realized something.

Baio is an ass, but I kinda like the guy... because he's a hell of a lot like my best friend Jim (well, if Jim had been a child star who got to screw supermodels anyway).

He's a fairly typical "I never grew up because I didn't have to" type, and now he's 45 and having to re-assess where his life is at. He's decided that he really loves his girlfriend and wants to be with her, but he can't decide if he can settle down and be married or not. He's cheated on everyone he's ever been with except his current girlfriend, he's slept around at every opportunity, and there have been a lot of opportunities (hey, he WAS a TV star, even if he was a Kinda lame one); and he jsut can't figure out where hes gone wrong with relationships in the past.

So he's hired a "life coach"... most of whom are total scam artists, but this one actually has a PHD in psychology.. so if she's a scam artist she's at least a well qualified one; and she seems to be steering him on the right track so far.

Jim just got engaged to his MUCH older girlfriend, who he's lived with for a little less than a year. He's decided he's going to settle down, try and do something with his life.

He's been a car salesman since he was 18 minus the year he was in the army (only one year because of a medical discharge. His lungs got scarred during ranger school, when he inhaled tear gas while he was not fully recovered from a case of pneumonia); and he's got nothing to show for it, except a mountain of debt, and three kids that he loves desperately but can't ever see because they're with their total psycho bitch mother in New Jersey (I say total psycho bitch advisedly. Shes on 100% disability for her mental problems).

So, I'm looking at Baios life patterns and his actions, and his attitudes; and I see my best friend right there, in that same position. He's a little younger and a lot poorer, but he's basically right there; an overgrown teenager having wasted his life, and now facing the prospect of being a grownup for the first time.

The one big difference though, is that Baios best friend is actually WORSE than he is. He's piggy backed on Baios arrested development, and lived a rather pathetic shadow life next to Baios, defining himself only as "Scotts best friend".

I'm exactly the opposite. I'm the kid who grew up at age 5, left home at 16, and been out on my own ever since. I've been the responsible adult in the family since I was 7; and I've been the stabilizing (and occaisonally rescuing) influence in Jims life that entire time (and I mean that literally. Jim and I have been best friends since we were 7).

Mel was saying to Jim and his finacee the other day "I don't now how you've managed to survive this long"... in response to some ridiculous stunt that he had pulled in his early 20s... and he looked over at me, pointed, and in all seriousness said "You're looking at him right there".

I'm not Jims keeper by any means. I don't run his life. I'm just there for him when he needs me. I don't let him abuse my friendship, I've cut him off before; but he's always brought it back under control, and he's finally starting to turn things around.

In some ways, having me has certainly kept Jim alive, and helped him; in others it's also enabled him to screw up for so long. I try not to be an enabler, but in some circumstances, it happened. Now, Jim has recognized what the problems are, and he's working at fixing them.

So I guess Jim has me, and Baio has his life coach.

Personally, I'd rather just have a good best friend; but Baio is surrounded by enablers. He doesn't have a functioning adult best friend. He needs to pull the sycophant anchor off his neck, and start listening to people who are both his friends, and who are functioning adults; or he's just going to keep going down the same path. He, like Jim, needs to recognize what his problems are, and work at fixing them.

But... never grow up too much OK? Jim wouldn't be Jim if he was 100% grown up, he'd just be some guy. I'm not best friends with some guy, I'm best friends with Jim.

I'd say Baio is the same. He needs to keep the kid in him; but grow up around it.

Not exactly an easy thing to do really...