Crusader Nabbed By Michigan Cops
Medieval sword, mallet, armor no match for ye olde Taser
AUGUST 5--Meet Robert McClain. The Michigan man, 42, was arrested last week after he attempted to literally go medieval on cops. According to the below Royal Oak Police Department report, officers were dispatched to McClain's home after a motorist called 911 to report that McClain had fled the scene of an auto accident. When they arrived at his crib, McClain allegedly tried to strike a cop with a four-foot sword. After missing, McClain retreated to his basement, where he donned a chainmail armored vest and leather gauntlets to protect his arms. He also added a giant wooden mallet to his arsenal and beckoned officers to come downstairs and get him. "I'm gonna crush your fucking skulls," McClain warned. Then, in a nice rhetorical flourish (for a lunatic, at least), he added, "I have a thousand years of power." That omnipotence, however, was no match for a police Taser, which felled McClain. He was then carted off and charged with felony assault and a misdemeanor count for failing to remain at an accident scene.
And to comemmorate this occaison, lets all sing the classic Leslie Fish song, "Harmless Historical Nuts".
HARMLESS HISTORICAL NUTS
As I was out shopping, expecting no harm
Two big F.B.I. men grabbed me by the arm
Dragged me into a cellar, shown lights in my eyes
Demanding full answers without any lies
About this new threat to good patriotism,
This Society for . . . creative anarchism.
I said they're just...
..... harmless historical nuts
Who wear boiler plates on their butts
Who dress up in clothes from the 12th century
To bash on each other with sticks and debris
And make up the worlds largest private army.....
Harmless historical nuts
I answered 'tis true to that club I belong
But pardon me gentlefolk, you've got the name wrong
Now, I swear by the cross and the host and the chrism
That last word is actually anachronism
It just means outdated, pray why don't you look
In Sir Merriam Webster's reliable book
It'll says we're just....
..... harmless historical nuts
Who wear boiler plates on their butts
Who dress up in clothes from the 12th century
To bash on each other with sticks and debris
And make up the worlds largest private army.....
Harmless historical nuts
When finally persuaded to look up the word
They blushed and they winced loud enough to be heard
They hastily sent me back out on the street
But I new it wasn't over and once more we'd meet
So I passed on the warning to realms far and near
To give the impression for all the next year
That we're just...
..... harmless historical nuts
Who wear boiler plates on their butts
Who dress up in clothes from the 12th century
To bash on each other with sticks and debris
And make up the worlds largest private army.....
Harmless historical nuts
And yep, soon enough four infiltrators came in
All snooping for politics, sniffing for sin
Three went away again scratching their heads
But the fourth quit his job and turned stick jock instead
He's won coronets, he's in love with the sport
And we still have a copy of his last report
It says we're just...
..... harmless historical nuts
Who wear boiler plates on their butts
Who dress up in clothes from the 12th century
To bash on each other with sticks and debris
And make up the worlds largest private army.....
Harmless historical nuts
Harmless historical nuts
