A lot of the things we've pulled off that appear to be minor miracles are hardly miraculous. They're the product of sheer bull-headedness and an unwillingness to accept things as they are. Necessity may be the mother of invention, but being told "no" is often the mother of creative thinking.
The fact that we're both ODD as hell notwithstanding.
That being said... I'm giving up.
I can't stubborn and persevere my way to everything coming out well.
God knows I've tried. I've pulled enough situations out of a dumpster fire through sheer tenacity to know that sometimes pushing in the right spot at the right time in the right way turns everything around.
But it's killing me.
Yes, I'm so stubborn that I've surpassed my own ability to deal.
Here I am. I'm a mess. The house is a mess. I'm barely handling Christopher's education and needs. I'm barely managing the medical end of things, and starting to slip disastrously there. Plus who has time to work on their marriage when they're trying to keep everyone alive?
That's before I even go into the situations I'm not a primary player in that I'm keeping some influence over.
I give up.
While there are several concepts from my weird Protestant upbringing that need to go die in a fire and never return, there is one concept that I find I need to rely upon at this time.
Let go, and let God.
I'm stopping my attempts to control and influence so much, and handing that control and influence to God, so I don't end up failing even worse than I am now.
So the bills that are piling up? I need to have faith there.
The situations that are causing me stress? Maybe I need to back away and have faith.
I have accomplished more than it seems anyone but me and my husband have ever expected me to, to the point that I have an unearned reputation as someone who can do anything.
Well I can't. I need to back off. I need to stop overextending myself. I need to let the burden fall elsewhere.
There's meds to get. Monthly bills to pay. A vehicle to deal with. It will get managed. I need to have faith that it will get managed without me killing myself, that there will be help.
So I put it to God, the Holy Mother, the saints, and the universe: please help. I can't do it all myself, not anymore. Not without destroying myself.
I'm going to wrap this up as I always do for these posts. My husband still have cancer. We still have bills to pay and things to take care of. I just won't be killing myself trying to make it happen. I may take the rest of the day off from being reachable so I can stop spinning my wheels.
If you find yourself moved to help, anything would help. Anything.
I've still got the GoFundMe up and running, PayPal to chris@chrisbyrne.com also works, or hit me up on Facebook. I may not respond today, but I will catch up to everyone when I can.
Thanks all,
Mel
