Sunday, September 25, 2016

Not doing great... thank God surgery is Thursday

Well, the large tumor mass... it's up over 3 inches wide now, and probably about as deep. It's six or so lymph nodes grown together in a neoplastic agglomeration... has grown big enough to be putting pressure on my airway, and on my various nerves in the area.

That in itself is not great, but I'm now up to more than 150 lbs of excess dependent fluid, between central trunk and peripheral edema, and lymphedema... In fact, I haven't stepped on the scale in a couple weeks, let's see what I'm at right now...

... yeah... not good..  I've gained 170lbs since the first of the year.

...Not 70lbs... ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY pounds...

I was at 360 and losing... Still 75-95lbs over where I wanted to be, but going in the right direction. I was active, and mobile, and had my pain under control. 

... I just weighed myself, and was just almost 530 lbs. Which itself is 35 pounds more than I was 2 weeks ago.

The combination is putting continuous pressure on the nerve trunks in my arms and legs, and is also causing them to swell dramatically, to the point where I have reduced range of motion and reduced strength.. and my skin is stretching taught... it always feels like an overfilled water  baloon about to pop.

This leads to a lovely combination of numbness, shooting pains, and general aches.

It's also putting pressure on my heart and lungs, which combined with the airway pressure, and the pressure on the nerves in my neck... not good.

The sleep apnea... that inevitably comes with having a giant tumor in your neck, plus having all your tissues waterlogged, and having an extra 250 lbs weighing you down... is so bad, that it's not just sleep apnea at this point... If I stay still in a "relaxed" position, and I don't actively keep myself awake and functioning, I drift into semi consciousness, and stop breathing.

I was testing it out earlier, and when I zoned out, my O2 sat dropped to 84% but the alarm roused me enough that I started breathing again. I hate to think what it's like when I actually fall asleep. Last time around, I had O2 sat excursions down into the 55% range, with extended periods under 75%, which my have permanently damaged my short term memory.

The diuretics help a little bit, but the cancer... in particular the neoplastic syndrome associated with it... is screwing up my system so much, that none of my drugs are really working, even if I deliberately up the doses.

My metabolic function is so low, that I either have enough energy to digest food, or to actually stay fully conscious... not both at once. If I eat something, I have to lay down and half pass out for a while.

Last time, we figured out that my metabolic function was running between 25% and 40% normal at my worst. I figure it's similar this time.

Basically, I feel like I'm drowning, while having a heart attack, while having my joints forcibly separated, and my skin inflated to the point of near popping, with slight interludes of mere total exhaustion and mild suffocation in between.

... only instead of hurting real bad for 4 minutes then stopping... because either you're dead, or you recover... this is 24/7.

Honestly... Dying would be better than this. Dying would end.

The only reason I can tolerate it at all is for Mel and the boy... I don't know if I could take another month of this... if it weren't for them I know I couldn't... don't think I could have got this far.

Surgery is Thursday... thank God.