The mere fact that someone made this movie makes me happy

Hmm... Tarantino is into Breath Play.. SO not shocked

First things first, Conan is ON lately, now that he's canceled and Friday is his last show, hes letting it all hang out.

But what I'm really interested in here, is that Tarantino basically just outed himself as into kink... Not exactly surprising when you think about it; but it's pretty rare for anyone in the mainstream to talk about kink in public.

And yeah, look at his face when he's talking about it, he KNOWS that which of he speaks.

I used to be able to start a Hulu video at a specific minute, but apparently they'ved stripped that ability. The relevant segment starts at minute 24 (after the second commercial break) and goes through minutes 27.

Actually, just watch the show, it's pretty good this night... Paul Bettany is hilarious too.

Growth as a Man?

This one is going to be a little strange, and very personal; but I think it strongly illustrates a point I want to explore....

I just woke up from a nap, wherein I had an odd dream:

I was someone else (extremely unusual in my dreams); a very rich, single man, throwing a party in a luxury hotel suite, for a number of friends and acquaintances from his old neighborhood; while on a trip back there for business.

In the course of this party, several people went off to rooms to have sex. I was tired, and went to MY room, telling everyone to continue enjoying the party; and some time later, an acquaintance who I knew to be a "player", came into my room with a beautiful pair of women, obviously sisters.

He suggested a foursome; and I pleaded tiredness, but the three climbed into bed with me anyway. I could tell on of the sisters was "up for anything", so to speak; but the other just seemed... resigned I suppose? While of course my Lothario friend was quite eager.

I took the reluctant one in my arms (I was on my back with her over me), and said "do you really want to do this?", she replied "they always want this.. I'm used to it, it's OK".

I continued to hold her, but I was struck by how sad, and empty that was. Presently, "the player" finished with her sister, and positioned himself behind the girl in my arms, and moved her hips to where he could penetrate her. I told her "Well, I don't want this. I want you to look me in the eyes, and kiss me".

She did, and while she was being taken roughly from behind, we looked in each other eyes, held, each other, and kissed. She soon achieved orgasm; which was clearly irrelevant to my "friend", excepting that it hastened his.

While he... finished his business, she just looked at me and said "thank you, that was wonderful. You're awfully good at this". Meanwhile "the player" ... well, it was clear to him that the woman didn't really exist, except as a receptacle for his penis. He was triumphantly strutting about, looking to fist bump and high five, hooting like a fratboy, while the women quietly dressed themselves, and slunk away.

I was never so disgusted to be a man in my life, as watching this little boy, with a grown up body, and a shrunken soul... nor was I more ashamed for women, watching these two accept... or even actively encourage... their own reduction to that objectified status.

I love sex. I think it is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing. I don't believe that sex must always be linked with love, or for that matter anything more than just good hard rocking sex... but it shouldn't be cheap. It shouldn't be hollow and empty.

Let me tell you something else... I watch an 18 year old girl, half naked (as what passes for street clothes these days), and obviously completely empty headed; strutting through a mall, and I feel... sad? Maybe that's not right.

A few years ago I might have said "I'm not interested, because she's WAAAAY too young (in mind, if not in body); but at least I can appreciate the equipment"... Today though I don't even have that level of interest.

Of course I am faithful to my wife; but we all know the old principle of "I'm married, not blind or dead". One would think I could enjoy the view so to speak. Honestly though, I don't think I could even get it up, without the mental and spiritual engagement. She'd open her mouth and vapid, stupid, immature idiocy would pour forth; and she could be as much a goddess as Bridgit Bardot in "and God created woman" and I'd be saying "why don't you go home little girl".

.. except that Bardot WASN'T a vapid empty headed little girl; or she wouldn't have been the goddess that she was...

I suppose people have been saying the same thing as they get older, since people first managed to break the age of 30; and the breed or die imperative first slowed enough to allow the appreciation of the finer points of each other. Certainly, I can remember hearing similar things said through the years by all sorts of folks... or the lamentations of women who noted its lack...

Honestly though, how can a man, a REAL MAN not an overgrown boy; look at one of the desperate, sad little girls; so convinced they have it all because they can wiggle their hips and make adolescent boys cry... how can he look at them, and feel anything other than disappointment, or pity, or shame for them?

How could he respect himself, if had sex with one of them; just because of her lovely body?

How is it that we cheapen ourselves so?

The "Tramp" continuum

I've noticed lately, that there appears to be a continuum of indicators for "loose" women; starting with the relatively benign and ending up at the "I wouldn't do her with someone else's dick" stage.

Please note, I am not using these terms to denigrate freaks or sluts. I LOVE freaks and sluts (I'm very happily married now, my love is therefore in a theoretical and entirely non-physical sense); and think the world would be better off with more of them. Tramps on the other hand are a cancer on all mankind.

Now, these indicators are not universal; there are perfectly great women who posses them; however it is the imitation of these indicators by stupid, worthless (and I use that term advisedly. They have neither self worth, nor redeeming value), tramps that give them a bad name.

It's also important to note that individually, some of these characteristics are not necessarily "tramp related". For example, there are plenty of people in the body modification subculture who are into such things. Look for a combination of these indicators, without other body modification cues; and generally speaking bleached blonde hair, and frosted or metallic makeup, just to be sure.

I've conveniently color coded the subtitles to indicate degree of danger.

The continuum looks like this:

1. Large number of ear piercings - Ehh, maybe: At this stage, the female in question may just like a lot of earrings; but it's the first step down the road 2. Wearing inappropriate clothing in public - Baby tramp or tramp wannabe: I'm not thinking about short skirts and tight tops... hell everyone wears those now. I'm talking about clothes that say "slut", "porn star", "fuck me like a bitch" "I give good head" etc... in public. Oh, and wearing pajamas or underwear as outerclothes, or extremely age/situationally inappropriate clothing is in there as well. At one time, this might have been a solid indicator, but these days it's just a fashion trend 3. Belly button piercing - Tramp curious : This one marks them as either into piercing in general, or imitative of the general tramp fashion. Either one is a decent indicator of proto-freaky status (for good or ill). These ones may be salvageable, if steered into slutitude or freakitude, and away from tramphood. 4. The "tramp stamp" - Tramp in training : The small of the back tatoo, often shaped like the thong panties inevitably visible underneath it. This used to be an indicator of the inked subculture, but now every tramp has to have one (thus the moniker). 5. The prominently visible tongue piercing - Trampilicious : There are only two reasons for tongue piercings to be noticable; either because you are just into piercing (again, a good indicator of freakiness), or because you want to advertise that you perform oral sex well. It is perfectly possible to have a tongue piercing without showing it off (I did at one point, but my body didn't care for it); but not for a tramp. The sad part is, most of the tramps who DO show it off, actually aren't any good at giving head. 6. Nipple piercings - Lookout, this ones trouble : This was once the province of only the piercing fetishists (and pirates and 19t century sailors); but in the last 15 years it has become a mark of extreme tramphood as well. If she isn't a total piercing nut, and she's got her nipples pierced, you can bet she's a tramp. Oh and extra points if any of her piercings are connected by a chain. 7. The clit piercing - Amateur porn here I come : I really think the subheading says it all; if you find a girl who isn't a piercing freak, and she's got her clit pierced... well the lyrics of Buck Cherrys recent hit come to mind "Oh, she's a crazy bitch but she fucks so good I'm on top of it". The clit piercing has become de-rigeur for both porn stars, and the tramps who want to be just like them.

So fellows, heed my warning signs; and involve ye not with the tramps, unless you have multiple layers of latex, and a convenient fake phone number; for they are fraught with stupidity and peril.

Only 81%

Master/Mistress You scored 81% Kinkiness!

Whether you are a top or bottom, you have Mastered the kink. Maybe a bit too much for most people. You know about everything I covered and much, much more. If you have a critique or would like to talk to me more about Fetish/BDSM/taboos, please feel free. Congratulations, you've peaked my interest.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 96% on Kinkiness

Link: The How Kinky Are You Really Test written by monkeyqueen9 on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Only 81%? I'm dissapointed... well the test was a bit biased towards subs and women, and since I am the opposite of those two things I guess that skewed it.

Dominance and Submission

Okay, this is another weird personal one guys, so if you don't want to know these things about me, stop reading now.

I've spoken before about dominance and submission, and the relationship dynamics, and it came up today on the NoR forums in relation to dating. IN particular a submissive man is having trouble finding a dominant woman to date who isn't psycho.

This is a ctually a pretty common problem for "sceners", but usually a lifer will find someone eventually; they jsut have to be serious about it.

Anyway, there was certainly some misunderatanding on the board about the nature of dominant and submissive dynamics, one commenter saying:

Quite frankly, I don’t feel a need to dominate someone or be someone’s slave. Actually this whole domanite/submite master/slave thing sounds like a load of bullshit.

To which another responded:

There are people out there, both male and female, who have submissive personalities. People who are, quite honestly, weak. They will naturally be attracted to people who can lead them, and those that want to lead them will find them. In the end it usually makes for balanced and happy relationships. Opposites attract and whatnot.

Which is partially correct, but again, misunderstands the fundamental nature of the relationships. It's most definitely not about strength or weakness, of mind, will, character, emotion, or spirit.

Dominance and submission are not about sex, or kinkiness; though they can be. Natural dominance and submission relationships (as opposed to “scene” D&S) are about three things… or rather about seven things broken into three categories.

1. Power, control and responsiblity: Some people are unable to balance these things in their lives. THey feel lost with or without these things, intimidated by them or their lack, stressed by them or their lack, frightened by them or their lack, angered by them or their lack, whatever…

2. Trust and loyalty: The relationship between those with dominant personalities and submissive personalities is entirely best on two way trust, and two way loyalty. This applies whether it is a sexual relationship or not. If there is trust and loyalty, there is strenght, and there is the next element…

3. Freedom and safety: Some naturally must be in control to be free, some cannot be free if they are in control. Some naturally must be in controll to feel safe, some cannot feel safe if they are in control.

Let me go into detail further here...

I am a naturally dominant person. I lead naturally, and others follow me naturally. That doesn't necessarily mean I’m a control freak, though sometimes I can be; it means that I am comfortable with power, control, and responsiblity; and that I prefer to not be in a situation where I don’t have them (yes, the AF was far more of an emotional challenge to me than physical).

This also applies in personal relationships. I am impatient with the incompetent, and I am agressive in aserting myself. If somethign is wrong, I will act to correct it. If something is right, I will act to praise the responsible party and emulate it.

These are all natural personality tendencies, that are as inbuilt to me as my soul.

My girlfriend is naturally submissive. She was not aware of this until I made it clear to her, and she’s still not entirely comfortable with this, but it’s the way she is. This isn’t to say she is weak, or has a weak will, she doesn’t. She simply prefers and feels naturally better, and safer when others WHO SHE TRUSTS have the responsiblity. That said, if she is right about something, she fights for it. If she see something wrong, she goes after it. She will not agree to somethign jsut because thats what a dominant person thinks. She is independent minded, and very spirited, and jsut a bit nutty (but in a cute and endearing way)

What she feels with me is love, comfort, warmth, safety, and freedom. In fact when I'm not dominant enough, she starts to think I don't care enough about her. She's constantly testing me. Oh and don't get me started on the whole "passive agressive" thing. That's at the very CORE of overtly submissive behavior, and it can be the bane of every tops existence.

Though some dominants do see submissives as weak, those people will most likely never uderstand what is below the surface of the relationships; only seing the “scene” as it were. Some dominants also DESIRE the weak partners, but that extends into an entirely different level often involving debasement and humiliation, voluntary slavery, or human toys and human pets.

Has anyone ever said to you “I jsut want to let go”, or “I jsut wish it were all someone else proble”, in a serious way? If so, they are expressing the desires of the submissive.

Most people are neither naturally dominant, nor naturally submissive. Most folks, have a hard time dealing with responsiblity, power, and control all the time, and they sometimes want someone else to take care of it for them. They sometimes just want to be free of that burden.

That is the expression of a submissive desire.

Many people who have these desires are also very insecure about them, because they believe it makes them weak; or they are afraid of being taken advantage of.

Many people feel that they enjoy power, control, and responsiblity sometimes, but that often it is jsut too much hassle.

These are all normal things, and most folks have a balance of dominant and submissive tendencies in their personalities; though they will often lean slightly or strongly towards one or the other. True natural dominants are almsot vanishingly rare, and natural submissives are quite uncommon (though there are probably 10 times as many natural subs as there are natural doms).

Now, a moment on terminology to describe what I just talked about. Dominants are often referred to as “Tops”, submissives as “bottoms”, and if you go both ways you’re a “switch” (though these terms have more extensive connotations to do with play and scenes). Most people are really a switch to some degree or another; or may be a top with some folks, and a bottom with others. As I said above, true dominants who will naturally top, and true submissives who will naturally bottom are very rare.

In a dominant sumbissive relationship, while on the surface it appears that the submissive is sacrificing themselves to the dominant, actually the reverse is true. The top is in fact assuming responsiblity for the bottom, which allows the bottom to be freer, and more comfortable, more in tune with their nature. This can be a very heavy burden on the top, mentally and emotionally (and sometimes physically and financially). It is far more draining in every sense to top someone.

This is actually why I brought up the top and bottom terminology; because it illustrates one of my points. In play, the top is doing what the bottom wants; not the other way around. The top is recieving instructions; or is acting according to the known desires of the bottom.

The purpose of dominant and submissive games and gestures, is to enhance the feelings that these power relationships engender in the participants; the top feeling more responsible for the bottoms safety, and having more of a duty to live up to their trust and loyalty; and the bottom feeling freer, and more able to express themselves as they wish, without worrying about the cares or dangers that the top is protecting them from.

Trust me on this one, topping someone is hard work. Hell even being the dominant partner in every day situations is hard work, because YOU are responsible for EVERYTHING.

But we like it that way...

Do you think the dominant partner is really in control in this situation? Not if they care for the person they are topping they aren’t. The real control, and certainly the real freedom, lies with the submissive, because by making the dominant responsible for them; if their top cares for them and is loyal to them; their safety, protection, and satisfaction has become a central concern; as in an almost parental relationship.

This get’s even MORE complicated when you move beyond simple submission relationships and into the area of slaves, toys, pets, etc…

So it’s a lot more complicated than most folks think, and in general it has very litttle to do with sex, and very much to do with the three sets of factors I describe above.

Oh and the real lifers talk about “power and control” or “power exchange” relationships not dominance and submission, but that’s an even more complicated subject.

Who'da Thunk it?

Too bad the only truely increadible, mind blowing oral sex I recieved was from a girl who turned out to be a slut. Whooda thunk it? --Dustin

Dustin is a friend of mine who's been through some rough family shit, and some rough women shit, in the last couple months; but I've heard this "complaint" often.

I hate to do this to you man, but you're full of shit on this one. The girls you have been dealing with werent sluts; they were tramps, and theres an important difference.

What's wrong with sluts? Absolutely nothing; unless you are one of those prissy moralists who think that sex is wrong outside of marriage (leaving aside religious faith); or one of those women who feel that sluts are a threat to them (and arent you little miss insecure).

Now I make a distinction between a woman who likes sex, and has similar sexual morals as a man does (a slut); and a woman who fucks around because shes trying to get revenge on something (her family, her father, herself), or because she has no self esteem (a tramp).

The first is a great thing, the others are something you want to stay as far away from as possible.

But let's get back to that first one. So long as you know that's what you're getting in to, and she doesnt lie about it to you, or her other partners, sluts are great.

You both get to have great sex, and so long as neither of you give a shit about what the other is doing, it can go on as long as you want.

Friends with benefits, fuckbuddies, whatever you want to call it. Throughout most of my life I've generally had a couple around, who would just call me up some time "Hey Chris, you busy, can I come over", and we'd have amazing sex, and talk for a while, have some fun, probably some more amazing sex, and then she'd leave (or vice versa).

That's fucking great; and there is no reason anyone should feel guilt or shame over that.

Of course this assumes you are both being smart, using protection, and assuming she has relatively good judgement. And guess what, if shes the good slut, rahter than the crazy tramp type; she will almsot certainly take good care of herself, and choose her partners better than YOU have.

Sluts are the ones who will do interesting, wild, crazy things with you; like wear a schoolgirl uniform with stockings and heels for you, then bend over the hood and take it from behind in the stadium parking lot while the football game is going on... "HE... COULD... GO... ALL... THE... WAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!!"

My girlfriend will kill me for writing this, but she's a slut. The GOOD kind. She loves sex, she's good at it, she doesn't feel guilty about it. For most of the almost year we've been off and on together we werent exclusive, and we could, and would have sex with others. It's only recently that we've stopped that and are just seeing each other now. I don't know how that will work out, but I feel no pressure to try and force things to work. If they do, great, if not, then we still love each other and care about each other, and are friends, and may even keep having great sex with each other.

Can someone tell me how this is a bad thing?

And guess what again; sluts make good marriage prospects. No seriously. Drop that moralistic bullshit and think about it. Sluts don't cheat, because they don't have to. They know they have all the other options, and they've chosen this one. If she's a good slut, you've both been completely honest with each other; you aren't settling down for the sex; you KNOW this is the time, this is the one, and this is the way.

Not only that, but they are far less likely to have that semi-pathological drive towards marriage some women seem to get upon hitting 27 or so years old (it doubles at 30, and doubles again at 35). I have never seen a good slut say to the man she loves "You have to marry me or I'm leaving you".

All in all, I love sluts; and I wish there were more of them. No matter what people seem to think, there are a hell of a lot more tramps than most will ever know or admit to (some just hide it well), and a hell of a lot fewer sluts.

Addiction and Manipulation

Ok, this one is even more personal, and will be somewhat crude, and more than somewhat sexual.

What I'm going to talk about is a painful subject. It's about addiction, it's explicit, and its brutal.
If you are thinking "too much information", stop reading now.

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I should confess, I am a diagnosed as sex addict, for whatever that's worth (I think psychiatrists and psychologists are mostly full of shit); but I'm generally very careful,and I'm prepared to accept the consequences of my actions, whatever they may be.

I have had a lot of sexual partners. I honestly don't remember anymore, but the last time I counted up it was about 200 total partners, and that was just the ones I could actually remember, I know there were more; since then I've had ... I don't know at least 20, maybe more... no it's definitely been more, because just counting in my head, I had at least 15 different partners last year. Actually thinking about it more, at least 20, because when I was in NYC at the beginning of the year I was with a lot of girls. Most of them were one night things, or maybe a couple of nights (or days) with only four girlfriends for more than a few weeks.

Of course I've also lied about the number of partners I've had, in order to get more partners, so you dont really know if I'm telling the truth or not. Hell I don't even know if I'm telling the truth or not, because there really have been so many that I honestly don't remember.

I used to joke that I remembered every single one, but I was lying. I can remember faces for most, but names... names are just gone. I remember them by the act, or how I picked them up, or who I was with, or what I was doing when it happened, but I don't remember their names.

This year, I had four partners from January to February 6th, but I have, by choice, not been with anyone since then. The opportunities have presented themselves, but I haven't chosen to pursue them.

There are times where I'll go by choice quite a while without sex, and then I'll generally be with one partner for a few months, and then when that relationship splits I'll have a few casual fucks, or maybe more than a few depending on my emotional and physical state. The day after I split with my wife I picked up two different women (one in the afternoon, and another late that night), and then the next two days three more.

Late last year, I met, and fell in love with a much younger woman (as in 9 years). We had a pretty good relationship for about three months, and then in January, we split over various things. I was with one of my neighbors, and with the on again off again girl the very next day (yes, both of them in the same day, actually the neighbor in the morning, the other girl in the late afternoon, and the neighbor again that night), and then the neighbor, and a different girl the next day.

I have had sex in my offices, in cars, boats, planes, helicopters, trains, in closets, elevators, in public, in the mall, in rooms full of people... I've done just about everything that hasn't involved children, close relatives, animals, mutiliation, or excrement.

The longest I've gone without sex since I was 13 years old, is 1 year, and that was by choice. The longest I've gone involuntarily is about 6 months, and it's pretty rare for me to go more than a month or so. When I start to feel like I need it, I'll jsut go find someone to fuck... and yes, it really is that easy if all you are looking to do is jsut fuck, and you dont care about ever seeing them again.

It's finding the ones you actually want to be with, and stay with that's hard.

If you substitute alcohol or drugs for sex in the paragraphs above, you might notice these are classic addictive behaviors. A period of absitinence, followed by a controlled period, and then a binge, followed by another period of abstinence.

Gettign laid is easy. Sometimes so easy that it can be boring. Thats what happened to me when I met my first fiance; I had become bored with the game, and tha'ts what it was to me; a game.

In my family I learned from a very young age, how to use my observational skills, and my deductive capabilities to predict how people would react and behave, and how to manipulate them using those skills, reactions, and behaviors. It was a survival skill, and believe me it was very necessary.

I learned early on that these same skills could be turned to my advantage sexually. I lost my virginity to a 17 year old welsh girl, on vacation with her parents in Disneyworld, two months before my 13th birthday.

Linda H. , I'll never forget you.

We met in the video arcade, and six hours later we were in the lake behind the hotel, having sex. We had sex three times that night, and I never saw her again.

I did this quite easily, by noticing things about her, listening, talking, .. I was using her own reactions against her, manipulating her to feel closer to me, at the same time making her thoughts turn more and more to the physical, the sensual, the erotic. Making her think about her fantasies, and her fears at the same time, heightening her excitement, and her insecurity, making her feel a need for both danger and safety... I'm not going to explain farther except to say that by the time I was done, she was literally touching herself almost unconsciously, pulling me to her, and rubbing my crotch right there in the arcade without even noticing it.

It sounds crass, or like bullshit to those who don't know, but it's easy if you know what you are doing. It doesn't matter what you look like, so long as you are clean, dont smell bad, and have the intelligence, and confidence to make people let their minds do what their bodies want to do anyway.

I spend the next five years having sex with other guys girlfriends in my high school, with college freshmen new into Boston, with european Au Pairs new to the U.S. , with dissatisfied housewives, with my mothers friends... The biggest age difference was when I was 17, I was with a 41 year old, gorgeous, and very unhappy wife of a much older man. She liked it rough, and she liked to be humiliated, and she liked to be able to cry...

During this time I was with well over 100 women, and every one of them thought they were coming off better in the deal; but I knew what I was doing.

I was, for all intents and purposes a predator. I was having sex, not because I wanted to have sex, but because I wanted to win. Getting women to have sex with me, while making them think it was all their idea the whole time, and I was just the right guy at the right time. Getting them to let their minds do what their bodies wanted to do anyway. That was the game.

Until I got tired of keeping score.

One day I just realized that I hated it. I didn't like the sex, I didn't like who I was having sex with, hell I wasn't even getting off. I would give women multiple orgasms, but I would have to jerk off for an hour, alone, to cum.

You see I'm a VERY controlled person. I have always kept a very tight rein on my emotions, because if you exposed weakness where I grew up, you were attacked, quickly, and viciously. The few times I let my emotions out, bad things happened. Sometimes very bad things happened... So I pretty much learned how not to have any emotions...

But you can't walk around living life every day without showing emotion, because people will be afraid of you; so I learned how to read people, and to adjust my apparent emotions and reactions to suit the emotions and reactions of others.

The thing is, it's not actually sex I'm addicted to. I'm addicted to the risk, and the control. The two greatest feeling of risk and control, are when you are fighting for your life, or skating right on the edge of death; and when you are seducing someone.

When you jump out of an airplane, and freefall into a situation you can't even describe... and you know that you are in control, you are master of life and death... in that moment you are the closest to seeing the mind of god you will ever be. "Real life" just doesn't compare to it in any way.

The seduction is a pale imitation of it, because you can't die, but the emotional impact, the risk; it feels almost the same. It's so much less, but that feeling is the same... It's very hard to describe.

Those of you with any psychiatric background, or much exposure to it, know exactly where this is going. I was a classic dissociative sociopath, with an extremely elevated response threshold. Before you get all profiler on me, yes I liked to burn things as a kid (who doesn't), but I never tortured animals, I was never physically abused nor have I ever abused anyone (though there was considerable emotional abuse in my family. I LOATHE abuse with every fiber of my being in ways that some people find frightening for me to describe), and I do HAVE empathy, and a conscience, I just have the ability to turn them off when needed.

I am generally an extremely stable personality, and as I said very controlled. Not in the "so tight he's going to pop way", I just have the ability to... neutralize.. my emotions, and control my reactions, as away of dealing with stress. Is it healthy? No; but it's better than some ways I can think of, and it allows me to accomplish things when others are falling apart.

When I was a teenager, I wasn't in as good a shape. I compartmentalized my emotions and reactions so thoroughly and seamlessly that not even I knew what was real, and what was the mask. I had three different sets of friends (other than my true friends, of which there are less than 10, and I would kill or die for any of them without question), none of whom knew each other, and none of whom knew the same man, who just happened to share my body and my name; because I was three entirely different people, at least from their perspective. It was unconscious, automatic.. seamless.

I can't begin to describe to you how empty this is.

I lived like this for years, from the time I was a small child until my late teens.

One day I realized that I hadn't experienced a genuine emotion in several years; that I was just going through the motions. I had no pleasure, no fear, no lust, no anger... just loneliness, emptiness, frustration, and pain.

Literally the only time I felt anything was when I was with one of my best friends, when I had just "made the kill", or when I was flying.

I changed my life that day. I decided that I was going to loosen my control a little bit. That I was going to allow real emotions in my life. That I was going to stop treating the people around me as objects to be manipulated, and start treating them as people.

I was also in that phase of my life where I was regularly RISKING my life, jumping out of airplanes and helicopters, etc... which helped me to open myself up, and helped me to deal with stress in other ways.

A few weeks later I met the girl who I would get engaged to. A few months after that she killed herself.

I wasn't with anyone for a year, though lord knows the temptations were there. It would have been very easy to go back to the way I was before, to shut out the pain, and to start eating women like candy again. I didn't. I controlled myself, becaue I didnt want to be that person.

Then I met the woman I would marry. We were together four years, married for two of them, and I admit, during the hard times I would cheat. I would go out, and pick someone up, have sex with them, and then go back to my wife. It kept me sane, and let me stay with her when honestly I really shouldnt have. I should have never married her, but I literally went out, picked up this portugese girl, banged her to within an inch of her life, and went back and asked Drea to marry me; like it would solve all of our problems.

Of course getting married just made them worse, and as her mental illness progressed, I would deal with it; or rather, NOT deal with it by cheating more and more. There were times when she was physically and emotionally unable to have sex for a couple of months at a time; and after a week or two, I would be out having sex with a co-worker, or a neighbor, or jsut some girl I picked up in a book store or a coffee shop (two of the three best places to pick up women, the third being at some public event, gathering, or even public transport. The baset places are where people are thrown together in simultaneously intimate and isolating surroundings, where you have a good chance of finding a conversational clue to start with, and where people arent expecting a personal interaction).

Sex became how I dealt with stress after I got out of the Air Force. Before, I could shoot stuff, and jump out of airplanes, but after I moved to California, I didnt have a healthy outlet. I was working so damned much, and home was bad...

It was exactly like an alcoholic crawling into the bottle, or a junkie after the fix. The excitement was back, and the only time I really felt alive, whas when I was out there hunting for it.

Then my wife and I split, and I went a little crazy. I was in an environemnt where there were lots of good looking young women, who were easy pickings; and I picked.. with a new girl every day, sometimes a couple a day.. someitmes orgies or groups, or kink... I went wild for a few months.

Then I met Lisa.

Lisa was everything I needed. Lisa was my salvation. Once lisa and I were together, I wasnt with anyone else. That was it, cold turkey... until she and I were forcibly split up by her family, and there I was, crawling back into it again; five girls in five days, groups, whatever.

Then I met Antje, and I was faithful for a year. It was hard because a couple months into that year she moved from Ireland to Germany (where she was from originally), and I moved from Ireland back to the U.S. We only got to see each other four times after I moved, and it was months between each visit.

But I was faithful for a year. Finally I just couldnt stay faithful any more. I still loved her, but things were not going well at work, and my mother was not going well... I need to FUCK damnit, and so I did. I binged, and I was with maybe 5 girls in two weeks.

My binges usually go in threes, and fives... I don't know why.

I visited her about two months later, and all was well, but she wasnt going to move back to the US, and I wasnt going to move back to germany. We never actually broke up, we jsut sort of stopped talking one day...

And I binged again.

Then I met Sarah, and we were together a few months, lots of great sex, but she and I split up because she "feel like I just can't keep up with you. It's Like every word you say, you're just leaving me behind. You're great, you make me feel great when youre with me, and you try not to, and I try to keep up, but I jsut can't. You're just too much, too fast".

And I binged again

Then I met the on-again-off again, and I didnt really binge or purge for a few months, but she was kind of a substitute for that. Our relationship was pretty much just sexual; we cared about each other, but we didnt get along well enough to have a real long term relationship. We would get close for a few weeks, or a month or two at a time, then not talk with each other for a few weeks, maybe see someone else for a few weeks or a month etc...

Basically I used her like a maintenance valve; and she used me the same way; and we were both cool with that.

But then I met Amanda, and she was my own little binge. We dove in together, and it was incredible, and amazing, and intense and... she was a very damaged girl, and couldnt deal with a relationship.

And I binged...

I want to be with someone who loves, me, and who needs me, and who I love and I need. I want someone who I can be an equal partner with. I want someone who is both strong, and vulnerable. I want someone who needs me to take care of them a little bit; not a hell of a lot, but I'm a caregiver by nature, I need to be that way. I want someone who's affectionate. I want someone who has a libido like mine. I want someone who understands the pain, and the loss, and who I can share it with, and heal with. I want someone who's a litle crazy, but not too crazy.

I think maybe that might be too much to ask; It's so much easier just to find someone to fuck.

It's been a couple months, and I've been feeling that urge build up again. I knew this morning that in the next few days I was going to go out there and find someone to relieve the tension with.

Then this happened, and man, it's got me thrown.

I honestly don't know what this is going to do to me emotionally, I havent even begun to process it. I'm jsut so fucked up right now...

The worst thing I could do is go fuck somebody, but going from past history that's exactly what I'm going to do. I have a neighbor, who any time I can literally jsut walk into her apartment, throw her down, and fuck her brains out. She always acts like she doesnt want me to fuck her, until I've got my hands on her, and then she wants it sooo bad... She wants me to almost rape her; to take the decision out of her hands so she can surrender to being fucked without guilt or shame...

God that's so exciting when she's fighting with herself.. you can see that she wants it, you can smell it. Bring your hand up, and she moves her face to it. You touch her and she makes a sigh she doesnt even notice. Her hips thrust towards you without her control, but she cant make herself do it, and you take her, and you thrust inside her, and she screams and bites your shoulder and pulls you into her , and GOD DAMN!!!

That moment, you are everything to her, you have total control over her, and she's completely fallen free, into you. Total trust, total fear, release and exultation, all in that moment.

You don't know how much I want to go down there right now and fuck the hell out of her.

I choose not to right now, and my will can be very strong, but I AM an addict, and I break sometimes...

There are people who dont believe in sex addiction, or think this is bullshit. Have you ever known an addict? Take what I'm feeling, and what I've described, and put whiskey or heroin in place of sex, it's the exact same thing.

I dont want to excuse myself, I feel like shit about it, I just know what my reaction to things in the past has been.

I'm not gonna do it. I promise myself I'm not going to do it this time. I'm going to keep things together in other ways. I have things I need to do, and energy I can focus on other things, and thats what I'm going to do.

I can control this, and I have controlled it, it was always just easier before to eventually lose my control, and let it control me, and I wont let that happen this time.

I won't.