Proof and Motivation

Almost everyone I love or care about, suffers from depression, anxiety, addiction or substance abuse, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, or some combination thereof.

So, whether I would otherwise or not... I do too... It's different for me of course, but I do too.

And if you are in the same boat, so do you.

And if you are a primary sufferer, remember... those who love you are suffering through it too.

You may not see it, they may be hiding it from you, they may show it in different ways... and they most likely will not tell you, because they know you will just use it as ammunition against yourself.

And when you feel like you're alone, and nobody loves you... the fact that they are their suffering with you, is the most tangible proof you will ever have that you are loved and you aren't alone.

Tattoo it on your forehead if you have to, so every time you look in the mirror you'll be reminded.

Don't use it as an excuse to feed your depression and anxiety and pain even more... Don't use it as an excuse to justify the evil thought "they would be better off without me". Use it as proof that you're loved, and not alone, and motivation to drive on and live your life as best you can.

When you love someone... their pain, is your pain... And their "not wanting to hurt you" or minimizing or "leaving for your benefit" or anything else... I doesn't stop the pain, it makes it worse.

Use it as proof, and motivation.... it's the best that you can do.

Sons, and Fathers, and Bleeding Fingers

As I was finishing college, my father, whom I hadn't seen or heard from for 15 years (most of which time he was in prison) contacted me.

He had been out of prison a couple years, and was now off of parole and a free man... And he wanted to know... Would I please come and visit him, because he loved me, and missed me, and wanted to be a part of my life again.

So that Christmas, I packed up and flew back to Boston... And  suddenly, I had a father again.

That was... Well... I can't exactly put it into words... I can just tell you that family is extremely important to me.

After reconnecting, one of the first things my father and I bonded over.. and very deeply so... was our love of music. In particular our mutual love of the blues, soul, classic and hard rock, and great guitar work. After all, we both played guitar and sang (he even played and sang at my parents wedding).

At that point though, I didn't have any guitars (my guitars had all burned in my mothers house, when my brother burned the top two floors down, on my 19th birthday).

He did though...

One particular guitar, and amp, that he had wanted since they'd been introduced.

It was a 1994 Fender Stratocaster Ultra (40th anniversary). It had a maple neck, ebony fingerboard, lace sensors, and a custom fit gold tweed hard case, which matched the tweed of the Blues Deluxe amp wanted to go with it.

So he searched, and called in favors, and pestered friends and shopkeepers, and drove a couple hundred miles... and finally he found them, and bought them as a present to himself.

The one he found was in a special color, a deep metallic pearl blue (they had to stop using it because of changes in environmental regulation. They only ever made 400 guitars in that color), that looked great with the Ultra neck, pickguard, and hardware.

Unfortunately this isn't the guitar, I don't have any pics, but it's similar:

He loved that guitar, and he played the hell out of it...His fingers bled on that guitar... It was the guitar he wanted to keep for the rest of his life; his single most prized possession.

Until his guitar playing son came back to him... and didn't have a guitar to play.

So... to celebrate our first Christmas together since I was a little kid, he gave me a special Christmas gift:  His guitar.

His fingers had bled on that guitar... the guitar he wanted more than any other... and he wanted me to have it.

It was the best Christmas present I'd ever had... Both the guitar, and the meaning of it.. Having a father again... getting my family back...

Again... I can't put into words...

I truly loved that guitar. It was one of the few possessions I actually gave a damn about. My fingers bled on that guitar.

Unfortunately, I left it in storage in the U.S. (along with most of what I owned) when I moved to Ireland (originally I was going to send for them later, but my first marriage split, and I decided to leave the stuff in storage a while... which ended up being 3 years). I say unfortunately, because while I was in Ireland, even though I prepaid a year at a time; the storage company was purchased, and the new owners mistakenly auctioned all of my possessions, without notifying me.

It was the second time I'd lost all my guitars. I was so devastated, that it was actually years before I picked up a guitar again. Not until my wife bought me one in fact, for our first Christmas together as a family.

Fast forward...

15 years later... 15 years with my father, after 15 years without him; I was looking to get my father a rather special Christmas present, to celebrate that.

I knew what it had to be of course: A guitar... But not just any guitar, it had to be exactly the right guitar.

I wasn't just trying to be cute and clever... It was important.

So, I spent that entire year searching for exactly the right guitar. Late in the year, I found it.

Oh boy did I find it... 

What I found, was an extremely rare, very limited production, 100% perfect mint unplayed condition, vintage, masterbuilt select (meaning hand built, from hand selected special woods), Strat Ultra... but something even more rare... it was a full custom shop Ultra, built outside the normal production run... and it was another 1994, 40th anniversary guitar.

Now... from here until the last bit, I'm gonna get all guitar crazy for a bit, and obsess over the tiny details of wood and metal and electricity and the like, that go into making a guitar. If that's not your thing, feel free to skip ahead to "it was a beautiful thing".

The Ultra was a limited production model to begin with, as the absolute top of Fenders Stratocaster line from 1988 to 1997. On top of that, this was a custom shop masterbuilt select guitar; hand built by one of their master luthiers (who signs the heel of neck, the underside of the pickguard, and in the trem cavity; so you know it's all the original parts as they built them).

Basically, with a masterbuilt select guitar, the luthiers see an interesting piece of wood, or they have a special idea for what might make an interesting guitar. Then they hand pick the special wood and parts (or they modify or custom fabricate parts if they need to), and hand build and finish, one or more guitars from it (usually from one to four, sometimes as much as ten, but that's very rare).

The guitar has a AAA+ flamed and quilted maple body (not just a top and back plate, the whole body), in a special hand tinted and finished custom sunburst on both top and back. It's kinda like the antique sunburst, but with a bit of dark reddish brown blending into the brown and amber, and the amber has a more neutral darker maple tone, rather than a more yellow tone. Also, it goes dark but not black or opaque on the sides. All of which is specifically to show off the figured body better (you can see the figure on the sides straight through the wood to the back).

The chatoyance of this wood, in this finish, with this figure, is just gorgeous. The guitar looks like it's on fire, and the flames are coming out at you out of the depths of the wood.

The neck is a special extra thin, compound contoured profile, in AAA+ flame figured maple, with AAA+ figured headstock plate matching the body, an inlaid abalone Fender logo, a compound radius ebony fretboard with superjumbo frets, abalone inlays and sidemarkers, roller bearing string nut, and locking tuners. The neck also has a special truss rod system (to prevent both twist and bow, and to bias the relief from bass to treble without warping the neck), and the Fender neck angle adjustment system.

The guitar has a special shielded pickguard with four special lace sensors (two of them wired together as a humbucker in the bridge position, and two different tonal spec in the neck and center), special shielded wiring and control options including the Fender super switch with S1 system (meaning you can select any combination of pickups, including any single, two, three, or all four at once,; or wiring the neck and middle together as humbuckers to get double humbucker output), built in 3 band EQ (cut and boost for bass, mid, and treble are hidden in the original tone controls), phasing, coil tapping, and midboost, It also has a special stabilized two point tremolo, with graphite impregnated saddles. It even has special strap pins (for a straplock system). Finally, there's additional matching abalone inlay in the pickguard and control knobs (nothing gaudy, just picking out the text and a couple little accents).

Oh and it has it's own custom fit special hard case, lined in blue velvet, covered in black tolex; with real leather ends, straps, and handles; and chrome hardware and fittings.

Basically, this was the finest Stratocaster Fender could make in their custom shop that year, with every possible option.

As near as I can tell, it is the only guitar Fender ever built in that exact configuration, one of only 4 in that select series, and one of only 10 guitars hand built by that master luthier that year.

A standard Strat Ultra, runs $1100 to $3500, depending on the year, finish, the options, whether the case was with it etc...

This guitar, originally would have cost about $9,500 (about $15,000 today).

Today, it's probably, conservatively, worth about $8500; priced for a quick sale to a knowledgable buyer.

The guitar would be worth a LOT more, except that the lace sensor pickups have an undeserved, and undesirable, reputation.

An aside... a rant about pickups... 

For some strange reason, many people don't like how clean and "quiet" lace sensors are... 

...or at least they THINK they don't, based on what they've read. Most folks have no idea what lace sensors sound like. Even when they try a guitar with them, they don't know how to get the sound they want out of them. The "collective wisdom" says they're "cold", so people think they're cold. 

Lace sensors are very high output, and get very loud, with ultraclear and even response across the entire dynamic range and sweep of bass, mid, and treble frequencies, and almost no noise, distortion, or hum (unlike conventional pickups, which do have noise, distortion, hum -- even humbuckers -- and very uneven frequency response). 

Critically, lace sensors don't get dirty, hum, or distort (or spike impedance, or have weird inductance or microphonic issues, or many of the other normal problems of conventional pickups), through a clean amp, even at very high volume. 

You also get better sustain, better overall tonal clarity and definition (clearer chording and soloing, less "mud"), higher overall dynamic range, and higher clean output  (for a given volume and tone setting, and given force on the strings) out of a lace sensor, than a conventional pickup. 

This is a GOOD thing, because now YOU have total control over your tone. You decide how you want to sound, the limitations of your pickups or amplifier don't decide for you. 

But... Some people think they sound "cold" or "flat", and want a "dirtier" or "crunchier" tone by default.

Lace sensors don't actually sound cold, or dead, or flat, at all by the way. How they sound, is neutral, by default. In fact, they can sound however you want them to, depending on which one you choose (there are several different versions with different base tonal qualities), which ones you switch in, how you set your tone EQ, and how you set your amp (and your effects if any). 

You can get warmth, you can get heat, you can get jangle, you can get burble, you can get scream, you can get growl... But you'll never get dirty, or noisy,or distorted in way you don't want to, at times you don't want.

Of course, being able to get any tone you want from them, means that you actually have to know how to get the tone you want from them. To be aware of how your tone is created and shaped and changed, as part of your playing. Most don't want to bother. 

If the guitar had been originally built with the custom shop hand wound pickups instead of the custom shop special lace sensors, it would be worth north of $12,500... between $15,000 and $20,000 to the right buyer, looking for the work of that particular master luthier (who has now retired).

I paid $1150, plus shipping.

On ebay...

The guy had NO CLUE what he had. He knew it was an Ultra, but he had no idea about the rest. He was the guitar guy for a pawnbroker who had bought out the inventory of a high end music store when the owner died.

I recognized what it was from the pictures and the posted details, and bid, fervently hoping that no-one else would know what they were bidding on. They didn't. There were other bidders, but no-one else bid over the reserve. I sweated it out until the auction was up, and no-one outbid me.

Now... normally, I would tell the seller if they had a much more valuable item than they knew they had, just as a matter of ethics... But this wasn't another player, this was a professional guitar seller, clearing out an estate sale. My conscience was clear.

After I got the guitar, it was clear it had never been played, or at least not enough to leave the slightest mark. It was perfect, and I was pretty sure it was as special as I was hoping.

I checked the signatures under the tremolo plate and pickguard (don't take a neck off unless you have to; too much potential for damage), and confirmed the provenance with Fender (as well as I could anyway. Fender doesn't provide a complete detailed history or build sheet for non-original purchasers. I was able to get more by internet research and the websites of some Fender fanatics).

It was what I thought it was from the description... and more. The level of detail and workmanship on this guitar is just staggering, and only half was in the auction description).

Unfortunately this isn't the guitar, I don't have any pics, but it's similar:

It was a beautiful thing...

More importantly, it PLAYED. I played it through my Fender 2x12, and it was a beautiful thing. Weight, balance, action, tone, feel... It's an amazing instrument.

I played it, and I loved it, and my fingers bled on that guitar.

Most importantly, I was able to give my dad the best Christmas present I could ever have given him.

I managed to make my father cry with happiness.

I am in no way joking, when I say I consider that a major achievement in my life, and one of the best things I have ever done.

It's not just the guitar... It's what it meant.

My dad played that guitar... that special guitar that we both spent so much time wanting, and searching for... He played it, and he loved it, and his fingers bled on it.

So here we are today... 

A little while ago, I was sitting on my bed, playing my six string bass guitar, when my almost two year old son came into the room because he heard me playing.

I should mention at this point, that my father is Chris the Third, I'm Chris the fourth, and the boy is Chris the fifth. 

The boy smiled and ran straight over and climbed up to me, then climbed up and over my arm and wormed his way in between me and the instrument... Then reached down and started trying to play it with daddy.

And I thought about all of this... this... and I cried with happiness.

My father and I agree: The guitar stays in the family. My father played it... His blood is in it. I played it... My blood is in it. I hope to God that some day my son will play it, and his blood will be in it, and his son...

S'cuse me... It's a bit dusty in here at the moment. I think I have something in my eye.. s'a little blurry.

I think I'll go play some guitar with my son.

What's it like to live with someone more than 5sd from mean intelligence?

Frankly, it's absolutely exhausting.

While I was attending to matters in Canada, Chris got a friend of ours to be his personal assistant for a few days. His work days were going to be nuts, he's still not over the pneumonia and he wanted someone to take care of the house and the dogs while I was gone.

A few days later, the friend who helped him out (no intellectual slouch herself, and an experienced professional) asked me something: "how do you do it?" meaning, how do I handle the energy, the intensity, the intellectual challenge... How do I keep up?

Then this morning I read his latest post, understood 80% of it (despite having no background in the subject matter), and realized that the osmosis is working.

By that, I'm thinking of something another friend said: "I'm sure you learn more about guns through osmosis, just having sex with Chris, than I could ever learn after years working in a gun store."

He was a little off as to the method, but yeah that's about right.

At 16, my IQ tested out as 155, putting me at over 3 standard deviations from the mean of 100 (IQ is by definition scaled to a notional mean of 100). Chris's IQ is somewhere around 180, which is either "a little over 5" or "a little under 6" standard deviations from the mean, depending on which exact set of numbers you're looking at.

Intelligence isn't linear though (nor are IQ tests particularly precise or accurate)... Sometimes the difference in IQ seems more logarithmic than anything else. Sometimes it seems like he's only twice as smart, or five times as smart. Some days, in comparison to him, I feel like the village idiot.

Remember, this is someone with an IQ over 150 saying "some days I feel like the village idiot in comparison".

This can be rather difficult to deal with, especially when you're aren't used to the idea.

On top of that, he thinks in very different ways and handles information very differently. Sometimes we are speaking two different mental languages, and it shows. I really can't comprehend how he processes things, even when he explains it to me. I can't understand at all how FAST he processes everything. I'll barely have finished physically hearing a piece of information never mind beginning to think about it; and Chris has already processed it, understands it, and has either formulated questions, or moved on to the connections and implications.

He just seems to get everything, instantly. It isn't really instant, it's just that his "clock speed" is so much higher than mine I can't see the delay. It's like, my brain is a flash drive... pretty fast, a lot faster than a "normal" persons spinning disk hard drive.. but Chris's brain is like RAM. He's continuously inside my process/decision loop.

And sometimes, it's really frikken irritating...

So how do you handle it when your spouse is so much smarter, more educated, more experienced, and thinks differently (engineer brain) without going absolutely insane?

1. Lose the ego. Seriously. If you thought you were smart before, you might as well get used to feeling like an idiot. I figured this out about 3 months in.

2. Don't compare yourself to them. Not only will it not go well for your now small-as-a-grain-of-sand ego, but it's also the quick route to failure.

3. Keep at least some separate interests, and cultivate your own hobbies. Nobody can know everything, and it turns out everyone is good (or bad) at something. Pick something you won't be tempted to compare scores on. This keeps you from feeling like a complete idiot.

4. Keep your ears (and mind) open. Turns out you won't retain all of it (who can) but you may learn about firearms, politics, history, music, geekery... whatever comes out of their mouths. This will make you smarter as you learn more.

5. Cultivate a base knowledge of everything, especially what your spouse is interested in. This will also make you smarter, and also keep you actively engaged in their lives and their conversations. It is also extremely appreciated, as most people don't make the effort to keep up.

6. Make the effort to keep up. Ask about their day, or the problem they're working on, even if you don't fully understand it. Learn enough about what your spouse does to understand when they vent. This takes time but is worth the effort, as eventually you WILL understand.

7. Ask for clarification when you don't understand. It will come up later.

8. It's entirely possible they have high standards, low tolerances, and a different outlook on the world. Rather than be resentful that your spouse isn't like all the others, learn to take their criticism gracefully and try to do it better. It will make you better at what you do, and will be appreciated.

9. Remember that no matter what, dealing with you spouse will always be intense. That's where the exhaustion comes in. It's not for the faint of heart. Their intelligence is intense. Their conversation is intense and requires your entire brain. Their standards are intense. Their hobbies will be intense. Their passions are intense. That also means other parts of your relationship will be intense, and I'll leave that there.

10. Life with your spouse will be challenging, occasionally discouraging, often humbling, and exhausting. However, you will get as much (or more) out of your marriage than you put in.

Mel

Growth as a Man?

This one is going to be a little strange, and very personal; but I think it strongly illustrates a point I want to explore....

I just woke up from a nap, wherein I had an odd dream:

I was someone else (extremely unusual in my dreams); a very rich, single man, throwing a party in a luxury hotel suite, for a number of friends and acquaintances from his old neighborhood; while on a trip back there for business.

In the course of this party, several people went off to rooms to have sex. I was tired, and went to MY room, telling everyone to continue enjoying the party; and some time later, an acquaintance who I knew to be a "player", came into my room with a beautiful pair of women, obviously sisters.

He suggested a foursome; and I pleaded tiredness, but the three climbed into bed with me anyway. I could tell on of the sisters was "up for anything", so to speak; but the other just seemed... resigned I suppose? While of course my Lothario friend was quite eager.

I took the reluctant one in my arms (I was on my back with her over me), and said "do you really want to do this?", she replied "they always want this.. I'm used to it, it's OK".

I continued to hold her, but I was struck by how sad, and empty that was. Presently, "the player" finished with her sister, and positioned himself behind the girl in my arms, and moved her hips to where he could penetrate her. I told her "Well, I don't want this. I want you to look me in the eyes, and kiss me".

She did, and while she was being taken roughly from behind, we looked in each other eyes, held, each other, and kissed. She soon achieved orgasm; which was clearly irrelevant to my "friend", excepting that it hastened his.

While he... finished his business, she just looked at me and said "thank you, that was wonderful. You're awfully good at this". Meanwhile "the player" ... well, it was clear to him that the woman didn't really exist, except as a receptacle for his penis. He was triumphantly strutting about, looking to fist bump and high five, hooting like a fratboy, while the women quietly dressed themselves, and slunk away.

I was never so disgusted to be a man in my life, as watching this little boy, with a grown up body, and a shrunken soul... nor was I more ashamed for women, watching these two accept... or even actively encourage... their own reduction to that objectified status.

I love sex. I think it is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing. I don't believe that sex must always be linked with love, or for that matter anything more than just good hard rocking sex... but it shouldn't be cheap. It shouldn't be hollow and empty.

Let me tell you something else... I watch an 18 year old girl, half naked (as what passes for street clothes these days), and obviously completely empty headed; strutting through a mall, and I feel... sad? Maybe that's not right.

A few years ago I might have said "I'm not interested, because she's WAAAAY too young (in mind, if not in body); but at least I can appreciate the equipment"... Today though I don't even have that level of interest.

Of course I am faithful to my wife; but we all know the old principle of "I'm married, not blind or dead". One would think I could enjoy the view so to speak. Honestly though, I don't think I could even get it up, without the mental and spiritual engagement. She'd open her mouth and vapid, stupid, immature idiocy would pour forth; and she could be as much a goddess as Bridgit Bardot in "and God created woman" and I'd be saying "why don't you go home little girl".

.. except that Bardot WASN'T a vapid empty headed little girl; or she wouldn't have been the goddess that she was...

I suppose people have been saying the same thing as they get older, since people first managed to break the age of 30; and the breed or die imperative first slowed enough to allow the appreciation of the finer points of each other. Certainly, I can remember hearing similar things said through the years by all sorts of folks... or the lamentations of women who noted its lack...

Honestly though, how can a man, a REAL MAN not an overgrown boy; look at one of the desperate, sad little girls; so convinced they have it all because they can wiggle their hips and make adolescent boys cry... how can he look at them, and feel anything other than disappointment, or pity, or shame for them?

How could he respect himself, if had sex with one of them; just because of her lovely body?

How is it that we cheapen ourselves so?

OK... She has a point

I work at home; which lets Mel and I be together a lot more than most other couples, which is great.

We were just having this conversation:

Chris: You know, you're spoiled. You get a hundred times more attention and affection than most women

Mel: True... but to get it, I have to put up with YOU.

I love my life.

The Conservative Dating Test

Fellas, here's a tip for ya.

I know it's hard to find a good, non-inane, non-insane, non pants wetting liberal woman; and sometimes they don't show their true colors until it's too late.

I've got a little test for you. Play her this song:

Toby Keith - Love Me If You Can

Sometimes think the war is necessary
Every night I pray for peace on earth
And I hand down my dollars to the homeless
But believe that every able soul should work

I'm a man of my convictions
Call me wrong, call me right
But I bring my better angels to every fight
You may not like where I'm goin'
But you sure know where I stand
Hate me if you want to
Love me if you can

My father gave me my shotgun
That I'll hand down to my son
Try to teach him everything it means

I'm a man of my convictions
Call me wrong, call me right
But I bring my better angels to every fight
You may not like where I'm goin'
But you sure know where I stand
Hate me if you want to
Love me if you can

I stand by my right to speak freely
But I worry 'bout what kids learn from TV
And before all of debatin' turns to angry words and hate
Sometimes we should just agree to disagree

I'm a man of my convictions
Call me wrong, call me right
But I bring my better angels to every fight
You may not like where I'm goin'
But you sure know where I stand
Hate me if you want to
Love me if you can

And I believe that Jesus
Looks down here and sees us
And if you ask him, he would say

I'm a man of my convictions
Call me wrong, call me right
But I bring my better angels to every fight
You may not like where I'm goin'
But you sure know where I stand
Hate me if you want to
Love me if you can

She may not like it, after all not everybody likes country; but if she GETS it, then shes a good one. If not, best look elsewhere.

The NEW Rules of Dating

Today both Kim and the Mrs expounded upon the issues that come up in the dating world today, from men who don't understand that no means "no" and women who allow this kind of behavior to continue.

So in response to Kim's list of rules for men to follow, I will list my own set of rules for BOTH sexes to follow. These rules are gleaned from years of experience in dating and the continual bitching of my single friends.

1. Talk about where you stand.
Everyone has different beliefs regarding what is appropriate. If on the first date you decide you want to continue, these things need to be discussed before things progress past casual, non-commital dating.

• What you want out of a relationship right now. This includes sex, companionship, marriage prospects, everything. If you want something major, and the other person just wants a fuck buddy, you need to work that out.
• Sex: is it a possibility? Will it be a possibility sometime down the road? If it is, you need to discuss levels of protection, expectations of fidelity, etc.
  
• Religious beliefs, or lack thereof: this is really important if you have an eye towards the long-term. If you're only looking for "the One" this is of vital importance.
• Where you want to go in life: once again, if you're looking at the long term you need to know the basics.
• Politics: I know that politics are a traditionally taboo subject, but the fact is, these days the political divide is so acrimonious, that you don't want to invest yourself into a potential relationship with someone whose politics make your skin crawl.
  
• Passions: What are the passions in your life, and can your prospective partner stand them; and stand the time you give to them.
  
• Splitting of the check (or not). In one relationship I had we agreed to a simple system since we both made the same amount of money: whoever proposed the date, paid for it. This way we could choose things we could afford, and nobody had any nasty surprises when the check arrived.

As a sidenote, all of these things help you get to know the other person, so should come up anyway somewhere along the line. If you can't come to an understanding or a basic knowledge of what the other person wants, assume nothing until they TELL you what they want. On the flip side, make sure the other person knows where you stand on things that affect them.

2. Comfort level wins
If one of you is ready for sex, or ready for physical contact, and the other is NOT, the wishes of the person who is NOT ready must be respected. If you can't handle waiting, or if the other person can't and tries to pressure you, it's OVER. Any name-calling, guilting, or other juvenile behavior on their part just means you leave faster.

3. On protection: the most paranoid person gets to decide
If sex becomes a possibility, protection must be discussed. If one person is happy with just birth control, and the other wants birth control and a barrier, the latter person's wishes stand. Once again, if you can't handle that or the other person can't handle that, it's game over. Ditto on the juvenile behavior.

4. There are no expectations of physical contact or sex; ask permission
Just because you paid for dinner, or you know that your prospect "put out" for someone else doesn't mean that you get to expect ANYTHING. If you want to kiss on the first date, ask. If you want sex, ask. Don't assume that you're entitled to anything.

5. Just because you've gone somewhere before, doesn't mean you have to again
But do be considerate and let the other person know that although you've kissed/petted/had sex you aren't comfortable with it now. If they can't respect that, kick them to the curb.

6. Keep your perspective
Infatuation can be fun, but it can also be all-consuming. Remember that no matter how good a new relationship feels you have friends and family who need your attention as well. If your relationship ends, you will need to have other people in your life. If your prospect has a problem with you spending reasonable amounts of time with friends and family, RUN.

7. If your prospect wants you to meet their friends or family, indulge them.
You can learn a lot about a person from their friends and family. Conversely, once your prospect's friends and family meet you and you get their approval, the likelihood of your relationship lasting increases tenfold. If they don't like you, don't expect the relationship to last.

(Note: if upon meeting your new girlfriend's friends you find that the males tend to be protective of her AND well-armed, this is your warning that any ungentlemanly behavior will not be tolerated. Behave accordingly)

8. The ex is the ex for a reason
If you are meeting the ex, chances are they managed to stay friends. This is most likely because:

• They were friends to begin with
• They broke up in an amiable manner
• They followed the aforementioned rules and therefore can still stand each other as human beings

Do not assume that because the ex is around, he "wants her back" or "they're still seeing each other". If you think such things your relationship will go downhill fast. Instead, think of it as reassurance that your prospect is a nice, considerate person who, when things don't work out, handles it like an adult.

9. If you've decided to break up, there is only one way to do it
Face to face. No phone calls, no standing them up, no emails, and NO HAVING THE POLICE DO IT FOR YOU. And do it as soon as you decide you need to so you don't string them along. Arrange to do the deed face to face, and hold your ground. If they're being an ass on an issue, leave them right there.

There are only three exceptions to the face-to-face rule: long-distance dating, people you're breaking up with because you can't ever reach them or because they have a tendency to stand you up, and those you have determined to be dangerous. But still, for god's sake, find some way to tell them.

10. There is only one way to handle being dumped
Accept it, and move on. Stay friends if you want to, or don't. Either way, it's obviously not going to work out and you should get on with your life.

Under no circumstances should you:

• Beg, plead, guilt, strip, or resort to any other kind of demeaning behavior.
• If there is another person involved, make reference to "fighting" for them, or anything resembling "let the best man win". That's incredibly insulting to both you and them.
• Stalk. This is especially important if the friends were the well-armed men described above.

If both parties can follow these rules (summed up nicely as ACT LIKE ADULTS) dating doesn't have to be a scary, landmine ridden undertaking filled with misunderstandings and misuse of police resources. If you can't find another adult to date, keep looking. There are more of us out there than you think.

Mel

Overheard in my household

Mel: Ooooooohhhh you're warmmmmm {commences with snuggling}

Chris: Yes, yes I am

Mel: {mumbles} You're warm, I'm confused... this works

Chris:...
Chris:...
Chris:... Ooooooo K... love you honey.

Last Minute

Actually, I'm writing this now ebcause she's finally asleep.

Mel and I don't do "hallmark holidays", and St. Valentines day is most certainly that i our modern world.

We spent our evening alone together, with no tv, no internet, no computer, and no books; just she and I, snuggling in bed for about six hours.

My wife nows how much I love her; I make sure I tell her a dzen times each day; and god knows I know how much she loves me. We don't need a special day jsut to remember how much we love each other.

But on this last minute of the day; let me just tell the whole world once again, I love my family more than anything. My wife and our kids are what keeps me alive, upright, and on the right side of mental health.

Honey, I love you.