Monday, November 27, 2017

Now we get CPS

Let's get right to the point here: the NH version of CPS is currently screwing us over between a meddling teacher and an overzealous agent.

Yeah, just when you thought things couldn't get *worse*.

What happened is: Christopher smelled. In part because sometimes he still wets the bed. In part because he doesn't watch where he's running at full tilt. Anyway, he ended up at school with dog poop on his pant leg.

Pants I'd literally just taken the tags off of by the way.

So the school counselor called DCYF (the NH CPS) and we got a home visit.

I wouldn't allow them in the home. From this they assumed I had something to hide. I did. It's not like I was exactly caught up. Plus I suffer from the hoarding variant of OCD (yes, that's what hoarding is, it's a compulsive disorder).

Well, I was given the option of them getting an emergency court order or sending Christopher to stay with his great-aunt while we cleaned up.

I lost count of how many times I felt like diving into the lake on the way home, and not coming back out. But that wouldn't have fixed things.

Fortunately helped had already been bought plane tickets before the meddling counselor had even placed a call.

So stuff was removed. Stuff was cleaned. Floors were cleared. Help was/is extremely helpful.

CPS agent came back for home inspection. And... she couldn't stand to be in some of the rooms.

Y'all remember the great sprinkler failure and flood? Some stuff still smells like mold.

So Christopher couldn't come home.

I once again had to actively stop myself from biting a bullet. I'm under an extreme amount of stress and... just... even I have a breaking point.

But I didn't do it.

It was recommended that we might remove the affected carpets. Tried to clean them several ways first. Then rip, rip, rip. Out go the carpets.

CPS agent came back Tuesday. Things were better, she said. Much progress! But Christopher is special needs and no way you can finish with him home, he requires too much supervision. And you've just thrown out half your house, so I worry that there won't be anything to come home to.


And Christopher still can't come home.

It's been 3 1/2 weeks.

I've been in hell.

Our account is $1700 overdrawn because I bought carpet treatment stuff, carpet removal stuff, dehumidifiers, filtration masks, oh and food.

PayPal is $115 overdrawn.

I'm exhausted, I'm worn down to a nub, I honestly don't know how I manage to function at all.

Oh, and this entire month Chris has been either close to hospitalization or close to death. Sometimes it was an hourly thing.

We didn't mention it because sometimes we need to maintain a front for our own sanity. It's just... everything is falling apart.

And now I need to finish the cleaning and restock the house so Christopher can come home.

Oh, have I mentioned I've been doing an OTC regimen trial for my OCD? On top of all of this? Yaknow, on top of cancer, CPS, exhaustion, and lack of funds? Yeah...

Oh and we still need to fix Big Green, and get the Avalanche back to her owner, and there's this tiny thing called winter, and medical bills, and keeping on top of insurance, and the insanely expensive low carb diet Chris needs to be on, and appointments in Boston coming up with the oncologist, and and and...

I honestly don't know how I even frickin got out of bed this morning, between worrying about Chris and Christopher being gone and my own exhaustion and the fact that I frequently forget to eat. And that yesterday I went to 4 hardware stores with the change at the bottom of my purse to get a replacement o-ring for the water heater circulator so I could have my first hot shower in weeks.

Just so... done. And January is coming up. And insurance resets in January.

Oh and I have court on Thursday for driving on a license I didn't know was suspended because I paid the ticket in question. But still, I have court.

I... just... can't.

We need furniture. We need food. I need to pay whatever fine the court is going to levy. We need to pay bills. We need to keep Chris alive. We need to get Christopher back.

Anything would help.

I've still got a GoFundMe going BUT it takes days to clear so if it is at all possible to use PayPal (chris@chrisbyrne,com) or Messenger Payments that is much faster, which would be good because I need to buy food. And gas. And heating oil. And get our son back.

Thanks all,


Monday, November 13, 2017

I'm completely and utterly done...

The hot water isn't recovering.

Normally not a big, but I really needed a shower this morning, because I haven't showered in 5 days and CPS will be doing a home inspection today.

Why? Because the school counselor decided the boy smelled.

Now, in case y'all have missed the several "I'm in over my head I can't do this by myself oh God oh God" posts lately... the house is/ was a disaster.

This is not surprising, given that we've spent the past 2 years with cancer spiraling out of control, Christopher's special needs increasing (and his intelligence and escape artist ways), and me desperately trying to hold on every way I can.

So the day I can't give Christopher a shower before school because the hot water hasn't recovered, that's when CPS gets called.

Also 2 days before help was due to arrive.

Actual help. Not "never showed up because dealing with cancer might cause PTSD". Not "got pregnant and married, oops". Not "help with a side of condescension and "you should just put forth a little more effort" while I am literally asleep on the floor in front of company". Not "help that promises to show up and even gets a damn puppy and doesn't come back for a month". Actual help.

Too fucking late. The train had derailed completely, and CPS is due for a home inspection today and I'm freaking out because not everything is done no matter that we've been working on it continuously and I've medicated myself to the gills. It's most likely not gonna be enough.

Then I got up to our account $1300 overdrawn because I needed to buy food and supplies and hotel rooms and pay bills...

"Got up" not "woke up" because I didn't sleep last night past a short nap...

And the fundraising isn't going well...

And I'm out of gas in the truck...

And my side project may be dying on the vine today due to lack of funds...

And Snicker-Snack killed a mouse in the master bedroom last night...

My vacuum keeps clogging...

Chris has pneumonia and may need hospitalized...

And I can't even get a damn hot shower, or call a plumber.

I'm just so done.

Anyone wondering when I'd hit the wall and stop being able to handle everything completely? This is it apparently.

Because I've done what I can, I've fought doctors and insurance companies and bills and entropy and sickness and school officials and CPS and tried to handle all of this myself and I just can't anymore. I'm literally falling apart at this point and I don't know what to do. Picking myself up and dusting myself off isn't working so hot right now.


Friday, November 03, 2017

So the oncologist called...

So the oncologist called...

On the afternoon of December 7th Chris is scheduled for a consult with the Advanced Endocrine Cancer Treatment Center in MGH. They meet once a month. It's an integrated team of an oncologist, endocrinologist, surgeon, and radiologist. They will decide the course of treatment.

It's likely they'll do targeted beam radiation for 3 weeks. We don't know if it will work. We don't know how Chris will tolerate anything that's planned for him.

So yeah...

In the meantime...

I need to get all of Chris's old records from the previous cancer to the endocrine oncologist AND get all of the imagery from the PET scan to the endocrine oncologist. Plus, we'd really like to see the images ourselves.

Sunday we have help flying in (yay help!) which is good because clearly I'm going to need to devote considerable time and footwork to getting this done.

Also, we don't have rent and the bills covered yet, but we're much closer.

So that's what's going on.

If you feel like helping, we still desperately need help.

I've got a new GoFundMe up and running, PayPal to also works, Google Wallet to, or hit me up on Facebook. I may not respond today, but I will catch up to everyone when I can. If you're interested in the investment part please email me at

Thanks all,


Wednesday, November 01, 2017

Why I started a new GoFundMe

Some of you will have noticed I started a new, fresh GoFundMe.

There's two reasons for this.

One, the other had gotten incredibly cluttered and long-winded.

Two, I got some help.

Yes, me, Mrs Independent, asked for help to run the fundraising.

Why? Because I'm incredibly burnt out and my plate is extremely full of stuff that I need to be immediately available for and responsive to.

... that kind of makes writing long updates difficult.

I can't even watch a tv show without at least 5 different interruptions, let alone put words into text to send out to everyone.

So that's why.

I'm not happy that we've got at least a few more months of this to go. I'm not happy about not having a working vehicle that we own. I'm not thrilled with a lot of things.

Being broke and being worried about how to buy food and pay the bills has gotten extremely old.

I do have a side project going (I never stopped working at it) that will go public(ish) and pay out soon, but it's not there yet. (we're still looking for investors if anyone's interested, email me at I hate depending on the support of others so I've always been looking for a way to get above water that doesn't require Chris working.

But still I must ask, at least for one more month, so I can keep the Chrises housed, fed, and taken to medical treatment.

I've got a new GoFundMe up and running, PayPal to also works, Google Wallet to, or hit me up on Facebook. I may not respond today, but I will catch up to everyone when I can. If you're interested in the investment part please email me at

Thanks all,