Wednesday, September 27, 2017

You Gotta Have Faith

I'm sure y'all have noticed by now, but Chris and I are quite possibly two of the most stubborn and persevering people to have ever walked the earth.

A lot of the things we've pulled off that appear to be minor miracles are hardly miraculous. They're the product of sheer bull-headedness and an unwillingness to accept things as they are. Necessity may be the mother of invention, but being told "no" is often the mother of creative thinking.

The fact that we're both ODD as hell notwithstanding.

That being said... I'm giving up.

I can't stubborn and persevere my way to everything coming out well.

God knows I've tried. I've pulled enough situations out of a dumpster fire through sheer tenacity to know that sometimes pushing in the right spot at the right time in the right way turns everything around.

But it's killing me.

Yes, I'm so stubborn that I've surpassed my own ability to deal.

Here I am. I'm a mess. The house is a mess. I'm barely handling Christopher's education and needs. I'm barely managing the medical end of things, and starting to slip disastrously there. Plus who has time to work on their marriage when they're trying to keep everyone alive?

That's before I even go into the situations I'm not a primary player in that I'm keeping some influence over.

I give up.

While there are several concepts from my weird Protestant upbringing that need to go die in a fire and never return, there is one concept that I find I need to rely upon at this time.

Let go, and let God.

I'm stopping my attempts to control and influence so much, and handing that control and influence to God, so I don't end up failing even worse than I am now.

So the bills that are piling up? I need to have faith there.

The situations that are causing me stress? Maybe I need to back away and have faith.

I have accomplished more than it seems anyone but me and my husband have ever expected me to, to the point that I have an unearned reputation as someone who can do anything.

Well I can't. I need to back off. I need to stop overextending myself. I need to let the burden fall elsewhere.

There's meds to get. Monthly bills to pay. A vehicle to deal with. It will get managed. I need to have faith that it will get managed without me killing myself, that there will be help.

So I put it to God, the Holy Mother, the saints, and the universe: please help. I can't do it all myself, not anymore. Not without destroying myself.

I'm going to wrap this up as I always do for these posts. My husband still have cancer. We still have bills to pay and things to take care of. I just won't be killing myself trying to make it happen. I may take the rest of the day off from being reachable so I can stop spinning my wheels.

If you find yourself moved to help, anything would help. Anything.

I've still got the GoFundMe up and running, PayPal to also works, or hit me up on Facebook. I may not respond today, but I will catch up to everyone when I can.

Thanks all,


Monday, September 18, 2017

The Second Verse...

Happy 70th(ish) birthday to the United States Air Force!

I say "70th-ish" because though the USAF were officially chartered as a separate service by the National Security act of 1947, taking effect on September 18th; in fact we were founded... and claim all who served in these services and their successors... August 1st 1907, as the Airborne Scouts, Aeronautical section, United States Army Signal Corps. 

By USAF tradition, and in fact recognized federal regulation, all veterans of these services are considered veterans of the United States Air Force (the Army sometimes disputes this, sometimes does not... there are days, and men they like to claim... the sexy stuff... the rest we "zoomies" can take). 

As such, we are much shorter on tradition than the other services... and we have by far the worst uniforms, and the worst songs...

Most people are at least loosely familiar with the first verse of the Air Force Song...
"Off we go, into the wild blue yonder,
Climbing high, into the sun
Here they come, zooming to meet our thunder,
At'em boys, giv'em the gun!
Down we dive, spouting our flame from under
Off with one helluva roar!
We live in fame or go down in flame. Hey!
Nothing can stop the U.S. Air Force!"
... and I'll be honest, I... like, I think most Air Force vets... don't like that first verse. It plays into all the worst stereotypes about the Air Force... Nothing but zoomies, glory hounds etc...

... And sadly, the third verse... sort of... isn't much better either. (though it is often left out of most performances, reserved for internal Air Force functions, where the "toast to the host", is an official acknowledgement to the hosting unit commander), and the final verse is just generic closing platitudes...

Certainly the Air Force Song doesn't have the majesty or grace of the Marine Corps song... Which is even officially titled a bloody HYMN, and speaks of Marines guarding heaven itself...

... because of course it is... and does... because... Marines...

But the second verse is different... Most people have probably never even heard it, or noticed it if they did...
..."Minds of men fashioned a crate of thunder,
Sent it high into the blue!
Hands of men blasted the world a-sunder
How they lived God only knew!
Souls of men dreaming of skies to conquer
Gave us wings, ever to soar!
With scouts before And bombers galore,
Nothing can stop the U.S. Air Force!"...
...which is a damn shame, because honestly... though simple.. it's actually quite profound.

It speaks to the history and traditions of the Air Force all the way back to the pre WW1, Airborne Scouts, Aeronautical section, United States Army Signal Corps...Founded in 1907, just 4 years after the first successful controlled powered flight of an airplane, period.

... "Minds of men, fashioned a crate of thunder... Sent it high, into the blue"...

Further, It acknowledges the incredible danger, and shocking casualties the men of early aviation and air combat experienced...

... "Hands of men blasted the world a-sunder... How they lived God only knew!"...

And to the nobility of man, and his endeavours into the air, and beyond, even into space...

... "Souls of men dreaming of skies to conquer...Gave us wings, ever to soar!"...

The second verse speaks to the entire history of the Air Force, from those first scout flights in what were little more than box kites with motors on them...

...all the way through to the massed bomber raids of 1943 and '44... and those few days in August of 1945 when everything... everything in the entire world... changed, forever...

... and to what appeared to be the main future of the Air Force, on the day of its official creation as a separate service September 18th, 1947 (the original lyrics were written in 1938, but were updated in '47)...

...and it makes me proud to hear it, and to sing it.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

This one will be short...

I picked the kiddo up from school today. From the nurse. He'd been vomiting.

He vomited in the driveway. He ate some. He vomited some more. Then he shared his flu with me and I started being sick.

So this update will necessarily be short.

Harvard Pilgrim did indeed reinstate our health insurance.

However, the claims that made it so we reached out of pocket max? Well, they were denied and sent back so... I'm still paying an arm and a leg.

At the writing of this the bank account is $800 in the hole, I've got $1k in meds to pick up (including my ADHD meds) and food to buy and gas to get and... you get the idea.

We'll be reimbursed for the meds. Eventually. Think months or quarters. The bills that made us reach out of pocket max have been sent to Harvard Pilgrim but that stuff takes time.

There is some good news. The PET scan we've had to put off is now scheduled for the 11th. Given the current situation we'll probably end up paying a bunch of that cost too (grrrr) but at least now we can make progress.

Now that I've written that I'm going to go crawl into bed and hope for a merciful end to my physical misery.

But at least we're getting somewhere.

Anything would help. Anything.

I've still got the GoFundMe up and running, PayPal to also works, or hit me up on Facebook.

Thanks all,


Wednesday, September 06, 2017

Some Progress At Least...

Let's start with the good news.

Insurance is paid (I sent in a check, the check hasn't cleared yet but the account will cover it). I managed to pay rent and heating oil (our hot water is heated by the furnace). Christopher started school today.

Now the bad.

I called Harvard Pilgrim today to find out if the insurance had been reinstated. It had not. There's a note in the file to reinstate it as soon as the payment arrives (it should have arrived yesterday, doesn't mean it was processed yesterday) so we've got that going for us. But it may not be reinstated until Friday or Monday.

... and I've got $1500 in meds I need to pick up today.

I'm extremely not happy about this.

There's also smaller bills I need to pay (internet, electric) but that doesn't bother me near as much as not being able to pick up insulin. For obvious reasons. The cable bill and electric bill have grace periods. Diabetes? Doesn't have one at all.

I also need to get gas, and food, and those sorts of non-essential things.

So that's what is going on. I need to pick up $1500 in meds I can't pay for. So Chris can keep doing this thing where he stays alive.

Anything would help. Anything.

I've still got the GoFundMe up and running, PayPal to also works, or hit me up on Facebook.

Thanks all,