When you're dealing with or arguing about difficult issues, you have to honestly ask yourself, in every interaction, which of these three things is more important to you:
1. Do you want to be "right"
Sometimes people want to be "right" (or be seen and acknowledged to be "right") regardless of consequences, even if it's ineffective or counteproductive, in achieving their goals and solving their problems.
2. Do you want to feel good/better/sad/angry/a specific way?
Sometimes people just want to say something they find emotionally satisfying... whether it is true or helps them achieve their goals or solve their problems.
Often people just want to feel angry or sad about something (stereotypically women, but men often want this too)... to more fully experience or work out their emotions... Sometimes in commiseration with others, or getting sympathy and emotional support from others... not achieve goals or solve problems. .
3. Do you want to actually achieve your goals or solve your problems?
If you're lucky, you can combine two of the above... usually 1 and 3... or very rarely, even all three... But sometimes... very often in fact... you have to accept you can't have 1 or 2, and still get 3.
So... which is it that you want?
...And if you could let me know if you're starting an argument with me, so I can decide if I want to participate in your desired type of interaction, and then act accordingly... that would be great.
