Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Addiction and Manipulation

Ok, this one is even more personal, and will be somewhat crude, and more than somewhat sexual.

What I'm going to talk about is a painful subject. It's about addiction, it's explicit, and its brutal.
If you are thinking "too much information", stop reading now.


I should confess, I am a diagnosed as sex addict, for whatever that's worth (I think psychiatrists and psychologists are mostly full of shit); but I'm generally very careful,and I'm prepared to accept the consequences of my actions, whatever they may be.

I have had a lot of sexual partners. I honestly don't remember anymore, but the last time I counted up it was about 200 total partners, and that was just the ones I could actually remember, I know there were more; since then I've had ... I don't know at least 20, maybe more... no it's definitely been more, because just counting in my head, I had at least 15 different partners last year. Actually thinking about it more, at least 20, because when I was in NYC at the beginning of the year I was with a lot of girls. Most of them were one night things, or maybe a couple of nights (or days) with only four girlfriends for more than a few weeks.

Of course I've also lied about the number of partners I've had, in order to get more partners, so you dont really know if I'm telling the truth or not. Hell I don't even know if I'm telling the truth or not, because there really have been so many that I honestly don't remember.

I used to joke that I remembered every single one, but I was lying. I can remember faces for most, but names... names are just gone. I remember them by the act, or how I picked them up, or who I was with, or what I was doing when it happened, but I don't remember their names.

This year, I had four partners from January to February 6th, but I have, by choice, not been with anyone since then. The opportunities have presented themselves, but I haven't chosen to pursue them.

There are times where I'll go by choice quite a while without sex, and then I'll generally be with one partner for a few months, and then when that relationship splits I'll have a few casual fucks, or maybe more than a few depending on my emotional and physical state. The day after I split with my wife I picked up two different women (one in the afternoon, and another late that night), and then the next two days three more.

Late last year, I met, and fell in love with a much younger woman (as in 9 years). We had a pretty good relationship for about three months, and then in January, we split over various things. I was with one of my neighbors, and with the on again off again girl the very next day (yes, both of them in the same day, actually the neighbor in the morning, the other girl in the late afternoon, and the neighbor again that night), and then the neighbor, and a different girl the next day.

I have had sex in my offices, in cars, boats, planes, helicopters, trains, in closets, elevators, in public, in the mall, in rooms full of people... I've done just about everything that hasn't involved children, close relatives, animals, mutiliation, or excrement.

The longest I've gone without sex since I was 13 years old, is 1 year, and that was by choice. The longest I've gone involuntarily is about 6 months, and it's pretty rare for me to go more than a month or so. When I start to feel like I need it, I'll jsut go find someone to fuck... and yes, it really is that easy if all you are looking to do is jsut fuck, and you dont care about ever seeing them again.

It's finding the ones you actually want to be with, and stay with that's hard.

If you substitute alcohol or drugs for sex in the paragraphs above, you might notice these are classic addictive behaviors. A period of absitinence, followed by a controlled period, and then a binge, followed by another period of abstinence.

Gettign laid is easy. Sometimes so easy that it can be boring. Thats what happened to me when I met my first fiance; I had become bored with the game, and tha'ts what it was to me; a game.

In my family I learned from a very young age, how to use my observational skills, and my deductive capabilities to predict how people would react and behave, and how to manipulate them using those skills, reactions, and behaviors. It was a survival skill, and believe me it was very necessary.

I learned early on that these same skills could be turned to my advantage sexually. I lost my virginity to a 17 year old welsh girl, on vacation with her parents in Disneyworld, two months before my 13th birthday.

Linda H. , I'll never forget you.

We met in the video arcade, and six hours later we were in the lake behind the hotel, having sex. We had sex three times that night, and I never saw her again.

I did this quite easily, by noticing things about her, listening, talking, .. I was using her own reactions against her, manipulating her to feel closer to me, at the same time making her thoughts turn more and more to the physical, the sensual, the erotic. Making her think about her fantasies, and her fears at the same time, heightening her excitement, and her insecurity, making her feel a need for both danger and safety... I'm not going to explain farther except to say that by the time I was done, she was literally touching herself almost unconsciously, pulling me to her, and rubbing my crotch right there in the arcade without even noticing it.

It sounds crass, or like bullshit to those who don't know, but it's easy if you know what you are doing. It doesn't matter what you look like, so long as you are clean, dont smell bad, and have the intelligence, and confidence to make people let their minds do what their bodies want to do anyway.

I spend the next five years having sex with other guys girlfriends in my high school, with college freshmen new into Boston, with european Au Pairs new to the U.S. , with dissatisfied housewives, with my mothers friends... The biggest age difference was when I was 17, I was with a 41 year old, gorgeous, and very unhappy wife of a much older man. She liked it rough, and she liked to be humiliated, and she liked to be able to cry...

During this time I was with well over 100 women, and every one of them thought they were coming off better in the deal; but I knew what I was doing.

I was, for all intents and purposes a predator. I was having sex, not because I wanted to have sex, but because I wanted to win. Getting women to have sex with me, while making them think it was all their idea the whole time, and I was just the right guy at the right time. Getting them to let their minds do what their bodies wanted to do anyway. That was the game.

Until I got tired of keeping score.

One day I just realized that I hated it. I didn't like the sex, I didn't like who I was having sex with, hell I wasn't even getting off. I would give women multiple orgasms, but I would have to jerk off for an hour, alone, to cum.

You see I'm a VERY controlled person. I have always kept a very tight rein on my emotions, because if you exposed weakness where I grew up, you were attacked, quickly, and viciously. The few times I let my emotions out, bad things happened. Sometimes very bad things happened... So I pretty much learned how not to have any emotions...

But you can't walk around living life every day without showing emotion, because people will be afraid of you; so I learned how to read people, and to adjust my apparent emotions and reactions to suit the emotions and reactions of others.

The thing is, it's not actually sex I'm addicted to. I'm addicted to the risk, and the control. The two greatest feeling of risk and control, are when you are fighting for your life, or skating right on the edge of death; and when you are seducing someone.

When you jump out of an airplane, and freefall into a situation you can't even describe... and you know that you are in control, you are master of life and death... in that moment you are the closest to seeing the mind of god you will ever be. "Real life" just doesn't compare to it in any way.

The seduction is a pale imitation of it, because you can't die, but the emotional impact, the risk; it feels almost the same. It's so much less, but that feeling is the same... It's very hard to describe.

Those of you with any psychiatric background, or much exposure to it, know exactly where this is going. I was a classic dissociative sociopath, with an extremely elevated response threshold. Before you get all profiler on me, yes I liked to burn things as a kid (who doesn't), but I never tortured animals, I was never physically abused nor have I ever abused anyone (though there was considerable emotional abuse in my family. I LOATHE abuse with every fiber of my being in ways that some people find frightening for me to describe), and I do HAVE empathy, and a conscience, I just have the ability to turn them off when needed.

I am generally an extremely stable personality, and as I said very controlled. Not in the "so tight he's going to pop way", I just have the ability to... neutralize.. my emotions, and control my reactions, as away of dealing with stress. Is it healthy? No; but it's better than some ways I can think of, and it allows me to accomplish things when others are falling apart.

When I was a teenager, I wasn't in as good a shape. I compartmentalized my emotions and reactions so thoroughly and seamlessly that not even I knew what was real, and what was the mask. I had three different sets of friends (other than my true friends, of which there are less than 10, and I would kill or die for any of them without question), none of whom knew each other, and none of whom knew the same man, who just happened to share my body and my name; because I was three entirely different people, at least from their perspective. It was unconscious, automatic.. seamless.

I can't begin to describe to you how empty this is.

I lived like this for years, from the time I was a small child until my late teens.

One day I realized that I hadn't experienced a genuine emotion in several years; that I was just going through the motions. I had no pleasure, no fear, no lust, no anger... just loneliness, emptiness, frustration, and pain.

Literally the only time I felt anything was when I was with one of my best friends, when I had just "made the kill", or when I was flying.

I changed my life that day. I decided that I was going to loosen my control a little bit. That I was going to allow real emotions in my life. That I was going to stop treating the people around me as objects to be manipulated, and start treating them as people.

I was also in that phase of my life where I was regularly RISKING my life, jumping out of airplanes and helicopters, etc... which helped me to open myself up, and helped me to deal with stress in other ways.

A few weeks later I met the girl who I would get engaged to. A few months after that she killed herself.

I wasn't with anyone for a year, though lord knows the temptations were there. It would have been very easy to go back to the way I was before, to shut out the pain, and to start eating women like candy again. I didn't. I controlled myself, becaue I didnt want to be that person.

Then I met the woman I would marry. We were together four years, married for two of them, and I admit, during the hard times I would cheat. I would go out, and pick someone up, have sex with them, and then go back to my wife. It kept me sane, and let me stay with her when honestly I really shouldnt have. I should have never married her, but I literally went out, picked up this portugese girl, banged her to within an inch of her life, and went back and asked Drea to marry me; like it would solve all of our problems.

Of course getting married just made them worse, and as her mental illness progressed, I would deal with it; or rather, NOT deal with it by cheating more and more. There were times when she was physically and emotionally unable to have sex for a couple of months at a time; and after a week or two, I would be out having sex with a co-worker, or a neighbor, or jsut some girl I picked up in a book store or a coffee shop (two of the three best places to pick up women, the third being at some public event, gathering, or even public transport. The baset places are where people are thrown together in simultaneously intimate and isolating surroundings, where you have a good chance of finding a conversational clue to start with, and where people arent expecting a personal interaction).

Sex became how I dealt with stress after I got out of the Air Force. Before, I could shoot stuff, and jump out of airplanes, but after I moved to California, I didnt have a healthy outlet. I was working so damned much, and home was bad...

It was exactly like an alcoholic crawling into the bottle, or a junkie after the fix. The excitement was back, and the only time I really felt alive, whas when I was out there hunting for it.

Then my wife and I split, and I went a little crazy. I was in an environemnt where there were lots of good looking young women, who were easy pickings; and I picked.. with a new girl every day, sometimes a couple a day.. someitmes orgies or groups, or kink... I went wild for a few months.

Then I met Lisa.

Lisa was everything I needed. Lisa was my salvation. Once lisa and I were together, I wasnt with anyone else. That was it, cold turkey... until she and I were forcibly split up by her family, and there I was, crawling back into it again; five girls in five days, groups, whatever.

Then I met Antje, and I was faithful for a year. It was hard because a couple months into that year she moved from Ireland to Germany (where she was from originally), and I moved from Ireland back to the U.S. We only got to see each other four times after I moved, and it was months between each visit.

But I was faithful for a year. Finally I just couldnt stay faithful any more. I still loved her, but things were not going well at work, and my mother was not going well... I need to FUCK damnit, and so I did. I binged, and I was with maybe 5 girls in two weeks.

My binges usually go in threes, and fives... I don't know why.

I visited her about two months later, and all was well, but she wasnt going to move back to the US, and I wasnt going to move back to germany. We never actually broke up, we jsut sort of stopped talking one day...

And I binged again.

Then I met Sarah, and we were together a few months, lots of great sex, but she and I split up because she "feel like I just can't keep up with you. It's Like every word you say, you're just leaving me behind. You're great, you make me feel great when youre with me, and you try not to, and I try to keep up, but I jsut can't. You're just too much, too fast".

And I binged again

Then I met the on-again-off again, and I didnt really binge or purge for a few months, but she was kind of a substitute for that. Our relationship was pretty much just sexual; we cared about each other, but we didnt get along well enough to have a real long term relationship. We would get close for a few weeks, or a month or two at a time, then not talk with each other for a few weeks, maybe see someone else for a few weeks or a month etc...

Basically I used her like a maintenance valve; and she used me the same way; and we were both cool with that.

But then I met Amanda, and she was my own little binge. We dove in together, and it was incredible, and amazing, and intense and... she was a very damaged girl, and couldnt deal with a relationship.

And I binged...

I want to be with someone who loves, me, and who needs me, and who I love and I need. I want someone who I can be an equal partner with. I want someone who is both strong, and vulnerable. I want someone who needs me to take care of them a little bit; not a hell of a lot, but I'm a caregiver by nature, I need to be that way. I want someone who's affectionate. I want someone who has a libido like mine. I want someone who understands the pain, and the loss, and who I can share it with, and heal with. I want someone who's a litle crazy, but not too crazy.

I think maybe that might be too much to ask; It's so much easier just to find someone to fuck.

It's been a couple months, and I've been feeling that urge build up again. I knew this morning that in the next few days I was going to go out there and find someone to relieve the tension with.

Then this happened, and man, it's got me thrown.

I honestly don't know what this is going to do to me emotionally, I havent even begun to process it. I'm jsut so fucked up right now...

The worst thing I could do is go fuck somebody, but going from past history that's exactly what I'm going to do. I have a neighbor, who any time I can literally jsut walk into her apartment, throw her down, and fuck her brains out. She always acts like she doesnt want me to fuck her, until I've got my hands on her, and then she wants it sooo bad... She wants me to almost rape her; to take the decision out of her hands so she can surrender to being fucked without guilt or shame...

God that's so exciting when she's fighting with herself.. you can see that she wants it, you can smell it. Bring your hand up, and she moves her face to it. You touch her and she makes a sigh she doesnt even notice. Her hips thrust towards you without her control, but she cant make herself do it, and you take her, and you thrust inside her, and she screams and bites your shoulder and pulls you into her , and GOD DAMN!!!

That moment, you are everything to her, you have total control over her, and she's completely fallen free, into you. Total trust, total fear, release and exultation, all in that moment.

You don't know how much I want to go down there right now and fuck the hell out of her.

I choose not to right now, and my will can be very strong, but I AM an addict, and I break sometimes...

There are people who dont believe in sex addiction, or think this is bullshit. Have you ever known an addict? Take what I'm feeling, and what I've described, and put whiskey or heroin in place of sex, it's the exact same thing.

I dont want to excuse myself, I feel like shit about it, I just know what my reaction to things in the past has been.

I'm not gonna do it. I promise myself I'm not going to do it this time. I'm going to keep things together in other ways. I have things I need to do, and energy I can focus on other things, and thats what I'm going to do.

I can control this, and I have controlled it, it was always just easier before to eventually lose my control, and let it control me, and I wont let that happen this time.

I won't.