September 11, 2001, 8:46am Eastern Daylight Time:

4017 days, 9,500 dead
and we will continue
until the mission is complete

Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty. This much we pledge—and more. -- John F. Kennedy

We Will Never forgive

We Will Never Forget

We Will Never Stop

Nuke it From Orbit

It's the only way to be sure...

Right now, I am in the process of de-iodizing myself

Iodizing is the process of adding Iodide (usually in the form of potassium or sodium iodide), a critical trace mineral for human thyroid function, to food (usually to table salt); to prevent Iodine deficiency.

Iodine deficiency is the leading cause of preventable mental retardation worldwide; through the suppression of thyroid function...

And I'm doing it to myself intentionally.

As I wrote a few weeks ago, I will be undergoing high dose radioactive iodine treatment for my cancer.

We are literally going to nuke my remaining cancer; though from internal circulation, not from orbit.

So, we've been preparing for the process for the last few weeks.

To prepare for the process, you cease thyroid hormone supplementation for up to four weeks; which causes your body to flood your system with the hormones that tell your thyroid tissue (in this case, the small specks of cancerous thyroid tissues floating around my blood stream, and implanted in my other endocrine glands) to make more thyroid hormones; which in turn causes that tissue to take up as much iodine as possible (which it needs to make said hormones).

At the same time, you go on an ultra low iodine diet, to starve your remaining (cancerous) thyroid tissue  of the iodine it is desperately trying to take up.

Once your remaining cancerous tissue is trying to suck up as much iodine as it possibly can, they give you a dose of Radioactive Iodine-131.  This tissue then sucks in all that iodine you just flooded your system with, which hopefully kills it.

My thyroid was removed four weeks ago today; and I haven't had any thyroid replacement therapy, since we wanted to be able to do the radiation as quickly as possible after the surgery (four weeks is the minimum).

I was already hypothyroid before surgery (and experiencing a lot of the nasty effects thereof), and have been at a "subclinical" level for a long time (they didn't want to supplement me for fear of it worsening the cancer); but I at least had SOME thyroid hormones being produced.

The dosage of levothyroxine supplementation my docs calculated I would need would be 400mcg per day. Now of course, no thyroid, no thyroid hormones without supplementation; and no supplementation in order to prepare for the radiation.

As I said above, hypothyroidism causes some rather unpleasant symptoms and side effects. You can see the full list here, but I'm just going to list the ones I'm dealing with at the moment:

• Cold intolerance
• Poor temperature regulation
• Low basal body temperature
• Weight gain
• Water retention
• Puffy face, hands and feet
• Bradycardia
• Decreased sweating
• Muscle cramps
• Joint pain 
• Dry, itchy skin 
• Fatigue
• Impaired memory
• Impaired cognitive function (brain fog)
• Inattentiveness
• Sluggish reflexes
• Increased need for sleep 
• poor sleep regulation and disturbed sleep cycles
• Irritability 
• Rapid thoughts (or worsening of ADHD)
• Elevated serum cholesterol
• B12 deficiency
• Decreased sense of taste and smell
• Decreased testosterone synthesis
• Decreased libido
• Poor muscle tone (muscle hypotonia)

That's a big list... And yeah, we're deliberately making it worse.

And yes, it sucks.

But hey, I'm alive, and getting better; and once the cancer is gone, and we can get my hormone medications balanced, hopefully there's nothing in that list that either can't be treated, or won't get better on its own.

So, as I said, I have been sans thyroid for four weeks... And according to tests taken last week, my body is now as starving for thyroid hormone (and therefore iodine) as it's going to get.

So, because I'm ready now, and to get the radiation going as soon as possible; the docs scheduled me into the soonest available slot after my minimum four weeks...

...and I begin my first course of radiation this Thursday.

I've also been on a generally low iodine diet for a while (we don't eat processed foods for the most part, we don't use iodized salt, we don't eat a lot of seafood etc...); but I hadn't gone whole hog with the full restricted iodine regime.

Why?

Because a full low iodine diet SUCKS.

This is what you can't eat at all:

• Iodized anything (obviously)
• Dairy of any kind (no milk, cheese, eggs, butter)
• Soy products of any kind
• Seafood
• Sea salt
• Any product derived from the ocean in any way (seawater has lots of iodine)
• Most processed or commercially produced foods (soy based or seaweed based additives)
• Any red bean or legume
• Potato skins (the skins collect iodine, but the starch is fine)
• Commercial bread (dough conditioners and additives have soy, seaweed, and iodates)
• Cured meats or cured foods of any kind (commercial curing agents have trace amounts of iodine)
• Any brine injected meat (the brines may contain iodide or iodate)
• Much of the meat at supermarkets (because of the injecting) particularly pork and chicken
• Any product with added salt (unless you can verify that it's not sea salt or iodized salt)
• Any restaurant food (unless you can verify they don't use iodized or sea salt)
• Certain food colorings
• Preserved or concentrated foods (often have iodine in their stabilizers and preservatives)

And you need to limit:

• Chicken (unless it's free range, organic, and not feed supplemented, animal feeds contain iodine)
• Beef (unless it's grass fed raised in a low iodine soil area)
• Pork (unless it's organic, and not feed supplemented, from a low iodine area)
• Other meats and poultry
• Rice
• Certain nuts
• Pasta
• Processed grains (except organic grains, grown in low iodine soil, which includes local soil here)
• Products with high or added potassium (small amounts of natural potassium iodide or iodate can be in them

Ever notice EVERYTHING HAS SOY NOW? Seriously, it's in frikken everything.

All the "natural" and "organic" stuff, that you would hope would be OK? Yeah they all use sea salt.

You'd be amazed at how many products out there have soy, or sea based additives, or iodine based additives... It's really best to just avoid commercial food products of any kind.

Oh and I can't take the potassium supplements that I require (because of my other medications), though I can at least replace that with orange juice.

So... what CAN I eat?

Pretty much I can eat home baked bread (which we do love anyway), black beans, peeled potatoes, most fruits and vegetables; and any condiments that I can verify don't have iodized salt or other iodine containing additives.

In theory I need to limit my meat intake to two servings of four ounces per day, and my grain servings (including rice) to four ounces per day.

I would starve to death. That would be something like 800 calories per day. After a couple weeks I'd be severely malnourished (especially since I can't take most supplements... sea products, soy products etc...).

My docs are fine with me eating more than the standard guidelines, since the guidelines are calculated for a 140lb woman; so long as I am careful about avoiding all direct iodine sources etc...

Worse, I have to stay on the diet until I'm done with the radiation (2-6 months from now); because we're compressing it as much as possible; and if I need a second or third dose, I need to minimize the iodine taken into my body, and maximize the amount I'm flushing out of my system (thus maximizing my recovery speed).

Ok, now, what about the radiation?

Clinical doses of radioactive Iodine vary from as little as 8 millicuries, to as high as 200 millicuries. They rarely use dosages over 150 millicuries, because the incidence of negative side effects are very high (including sterility, and damage to salivary glands).

I-131 has a half life of 8 days, and an effective dosage of under 5 millicuries is considered effectively zero. Also, your body can flush out some of the iodine itself, so the dosage will go down faster than its half life; because of this, the average effective halflife in clinical testing is 6 days.

Because of my bodymass, and the aggressive malignancy and vascular infiltration of the cancer, my care team are going to be as aggressive as the cancer is; we really are going to "nuke it from orbit, because it's the only way to be sure", so they're hitting me with 150 millicuries.

Given the six-eight day halflife in the body of I-131, and the 150mCi dosage, I will need to be in isolation for 4-6 days; and it will take 30-42 days to flush the radioactive iodine out of my system to a clinically insignificant level (and I'll likely set off radiation detectors for 60-90 days).

Normally that would mean I could be around people for short periods of time after a week or so, and "normal" routines after three to four weeks... But there's a complication with my wife being pregnant.

I have to be in total isolation, until another persons effective received dosage standing near me is less than 50uSv/h. I can't be around other people for any length of time, until they would be receiving under 10uSv/h. I can't be around my pregnant wife at all (more than six feet away, preferably with a wall between us) until her effective received dosage is under 5 microsieverts per hour; and we can't sleep together until it's below 1 microsieverts per hour.

NOTE: This is a ridiculously conservative number. There is no detectable increase in health risk at dosage rate less than 100 uSv/h, and that requires a 10,000 hour exposure. 

Eat 10 bananas, you get about 1 microsievert dosage. An airline flight gets you between 2.3uSv/h and 4.0uSv/h. The worldwide average background radiation dosage is 0.23-0.27uSv/h to, so just being alive and on the earth for a day, you get about 6-7 microsieverts of effective dosage. The Washington state average (I couldn't find the numbers for Idaho) effective background radiation is about 3,600 microsieverts per year, or about 10 microsieverts a day. 

The standard for pregnant workers is under 5,000 microsieverts over the entire course of the pregnancy. Given the 200 or so days remaining, we would have to be in bed together all day every day of that entire time period to even meet the occupational safety limit (and we still wouldn't exceed it) which in and of itself is designed to have huge safety factors. Non pregnant workers are allowed up to 50,000 microsieverts a year occupational exposure; 10 times as much, and that has a 10 times safety factor from what is known to be harmful long term. 

Given the variables of my bodymass, the dosage, and the flushout rate, this could take anywhere from 3 days, all the way to four weeks, and the only way to know, is to measure.

And of course, that's for each dose; and it may take up to three doses over six months.

There is no way I'm not going to come within six feet of my wife for six months...

So, we're going to measure it:

A friend bought us a dosimeter in exchange for some gunsmithing work; a Radex RD1706. That way we can measure background counts, surface counts and spot counts; and know fairly conclusively when my wife and I can sit together, and when we can sleep in the same bed again.

A few weeks after my dosage, they'll body scan me. Based on what they see then, they'll calculate a time when I should have no live cancer cells left, and have the I-131 flushed out; then they'll give me a tracer dose, and scan me again.

If that scan shows clear, GREAT

If not, which again given my size, the size of the cancer, the vascular infiltration, the type and pathology of it (it was a poorly differentiated cancer which responds poorly to iodine, but it was also follicular, which responds better to iodine), there is a pretty good chance of; I get to wait two to four more weeks (to re-starve the body of iodine) and then another dose.

They'll generally do this for a maximum of three dosages; at which point over 96% of patients will have no detectable cancer.

If I still have cancer at that point... There's something else going on; a non-thyroid cancer, or a poorly differentiated metastasis (which is a much more serious issue).

Once we have finished the final radiation treatment, it will take a month to six weeks to completely flush out my system; and another month or so to fully recover, and to get my medications adjusted properly.

So, at a minimum, a bit less than three months from now, to at a maximum about six months from now; I'll be good to go.

Unintentional Truth from Biden

"Barack and I, we've been through a lot together these last for years, and one thing I've learned... I've learned about the enormity of his heart"

-- Joe Biden, speech in front of the 2012 Democratic National Convention

To quote my favorite film (and one of the internets most overused quotes):

"That word.... I do not think it means, what you think it means"

Enormity...

I realize a lot of folks might be making the same error that Biden did:

e·nor·mi·ty   [ih-nawr-mi-tee] noun, plural e·nor·mi·ties  

1. outrageous or heinous character; atrociousness: the enormity of war crimes.

So, Biden was telling the truth, through malapropism.

UPDATE: For those who go to certain dictionary websites and say "Wait, it's not a mistake it's an alternate definition", no, actually, it isn't. Some dictionaries have started listing it as such because so many people mistakenly use it.

Got a blow on

Massive windstorm in north Idaho right now, bad enough for red advisories. In the little valley in which we live we're seeing sustained 30kt winds with gusts to 50kts.

We're gonna see some damage out of this most likely. I've already heard some trees and branches giving out there, never mind the stuff being blown around.

Hey look, there's my baby

Anybody want to see the first photograph of our placental stage spawn?

No, no matter how much it looks like it, that's not a kidney bean inside a chili pepper; that is our baby.

As she posted earlier, Mel had some spotting and other symptoms, so they had her do an early ultrasound today.

He (Mel is mortally certain of it, and the early indicators, as unreliable as they are, point that way) is currently 1.76cm long, exhibiting normal development and heart rate (both size and heart rate are at the high end of the normal range for the timeline, which is slightly more likely to be male).

We were also able to confirm the timeline, our estimate matches the OB/GYN estimates within 3 days. Due date is confirmed at April 15th -7/+14 days.

We go back for the second ultrasound in four weeks, at which time we should be able to confirm boy or girl then.

Well That's a Relief

1 baby, in correct spot, 1.76cm, original due date is correct.

What a Difference 9 Years and Another Country Makes

This afternoon Chris and I will be in the OBGYN's office for a short-notice ultrasound.

At my first prenatal visit yesterday the RN doing the medical history listened to a few of my symptoms, pieced a few things together, and said, "I'm getting you in for an ultrasound THIS WEEK."

So... that should be interesting. It's most likely nothing, but it might be something.

Her reaction panicked me a bit until this morning, when I realized...

The last time I was pregnant was 9 years ago and at the time I lived and received my medical care in Canada.

In Canada 9 years ago, it took at least 4 weeks of advance notice to get the single ultrasound for the entire pregnancy. I waited in the waiting room with a woman who waited 8 MONTHS to get an MRI for her debilitating migraines. The only place I could get an ultrasound was the local hospital.

Now I'm back in the US, covered by incredible heath insurance that we chose. We've maxed out our out-of-pocket for the year (the deductible is a distant memory). Our insurance covers all diagnostic tests the OB orders and all prenatal visits. Our insurance covers pretty much ANYTHING that's actually a good idea medically. Our insurance company does not have a history of Monday-morning-quarterbacking the doctors. We knew this when we chose our insurance coverage.

In Canada the medical system was (and is) run by bureaucrats. Bureaucrats more concerned with keeping medical costs in check than actually providing good healthcare. Bureaucrats more concerned with power than keeping people alive. Bureaucrats who don't invest in preventative care because preventative care is a cost they have to account for now. Preventative care doesn't make good statistics because you can't tie preventative care to a lack of bad consequences. When people die from lack of care it doesn't affect the bureaucrats one bit, other than "well obviously we'll pay for the hospital because you really need it." Never mind the fact that the hospital could be completely avoided in the first place. The hospital is easy to justify.

Our health insurance company thinks about costs differently. The health insurance company invests huge amounts of money in tracking patient outcomes. They figured out a long time ago that, as a whole, preventative care costs much less than handling avoidable outcomes. For this reason our health insurance covers "elective" surgeries like Lap Bands. The costs of treating obesity now are lower than treating the effects later.

So when our insurance company looks at prenatal care their default position is "diagnostic testing is good and useful." The entire point of diagnostic testing is to catch problems early when the issues are much easier (and cheaper!) to resolve.

When insurance companies understand this (and pay their bills properly) the doctors are encouraged to use new technology. The doctors KNOW they will get paid. The doctors know approximately how often they'll use different types of testing. The OBGYN's office decides its worth it to buy and keep their own ultrasound equipment and keep techs on the payroll.

So when a nurse sees something that worries her, she doesn't need to clear it with a bureaucrat. She just walks up to the scheduler and asks for the next available opening.

Thus how I ended up with an appointment for an ultrasound the next day.

We don't think about this is the US because we're so used to it. Can't anyone see their doc and get an appointment for a diagnostic test in a short amount of time? Aren't there enough imaging clinics and specialists around that the wait is never long?

The only reason I can get an ultrasound on short notice, and Chris can get an ultrasound within an hour (the case when the tumor was first discovered) is the high availability of the equipment and the people qualified to use it and interpret the results. The only reason we have high availability of diagnostic equipment is the absolute certainty that, once bought (and this stuff ain't cheap), the specialty equipment will be used and they will be paid for that use.

The moment you make it necessary to go through a bureaucrat to get a procedure approved and paid for, you take away that certainty. It becomes risky to invest in expensive equipment and new, more accurate, less invasive tests. If you're not sure you'll be reimbursed, why would you invest?

Which is why in Canada 9 years ago I could only be scheduled for one ultrasound, with a 4 week wait. Lots of demand but no ability (or desire) to invest.

Now my OB's office in a small rural town has its own diagnostic equipment, the people on staff to use it, and next-to-no waiting.

Now, when the nurse sees something that worries her she can put her (and my) mind to rest within 24 hours.

That's a big deal.

There is an even bigger deal here though, that I haven't mentioned. The reason the short-notice ultrasound was ordered is because I might have an ectopic pregnancy. The chances are low, but one major symptom is there and my chances are increased due to being on birth control at the time of conception.

If I was at all in pain I wouldn't have even waited one day. They would have sent me straight to the hospital. Since I'm not in pain, we're just going to verify that the fetus is in the uterus.

The chances are low, but ectopic pregnancies can be life-threatening if not caught early. My RN decided that the signs warranted immediate investigation so she made it happen.

Oddly enough, the same symptoms might mean twins, for which I'm also showing other possible symptoms. Immediate investigation is still warranted.

Either way, my RN made it happen.

My RN can do that. She doesn't need to call anyone. She doesn't need to check the list of "approved procedures" and "approved reasons." She can make it happen just by checking with scheduling.

Why the hell do we want government run healthcare again?

Mel

They Really Will Put a Flashlight on Anything

I LOVE mascara. Absolutely adore mascara. I also hate most formulas and most applicators. Eye makeup is difficult to formulate right, doubly so for mascara. So when I stumble upon a formula I like I tend to hold on to it and start testing the rest of the manufacturer's products.

Too Faced's Lash Injection is one of my never-fail, always dependable mascaras. Doesn't clump, doesn't dry out, doesn't give me spider eyes, doesn't have me pulling at my eyelashes in frustration, and looks really good to boot.

It's also really expensive. It seems all of the good mascaras are and Too Faced is no exception.  Oh I've tried the cheaper mascaras but they never really work out for me. The Too Faced ended up in my collection as a birthday present and I absolutely adore it. I just can't justify buying more.

We've been looking for a good reflective mascara for me for what seems like forever. Reflective, light-catching mascara is the holy grail of the mascara world. Lots of mascaras claim to be reflective but turn out to be regular mascara mixed with glitter (seriously). And, of course, good premium reflective mascara is expensive.

So when I saw Too Faced's Lashlight on sale for 60% off I had. to. have. it. I'd been lusting over it for months.

This is the first bit of the description:

Our innovative thickening and lengthening mascara formula contains millions of microscopic mirrors that bounce light off lashes for a super-glossy, jet-black finish for whiter, brighter looking eyes.

I figured it was the same formula and same packaging that I researched 6 months ago. I really should have kept reading. No, scratch that. It was better being surprised.

My mascara arrived today. I'm opening up the shipping box (with Chris doing something else next to me) and I pick up the mascara.

And it's heavier and bigger than I expected. That's odd. Normally a tube isn't that heavy...

I read the box...

My mascara comes complete with blue-light LED's for "precise application".

My mascara has a flashlight button.

Actually there's a huge bonus to having lights and a battery in the applicator end. The applicator stays up by itself. This may actually be the first time in history that adding a (mostly) arbitrary light source to something ended up making the design better.

Does the light source work as promised? Yes, yes it does.

Shiny...

Chris initially didn't believe me when I told him. His remark? "They really will put a flashlight on anything." For once a package arrived with a new LED flashlight and I'm the one geeking out over it.

I wonder if this counts as a secondary backup light source...

Mel

Much as I love McGee...

I always forget how FRIKKEN DEPRESSING they are.

Seriously, the Travis McGee novels make Leonard Cohen look positively perky.

Incredibly well written, incredibly characterized, incredibly atmospheric... And darker than Tarantinos nightmares.

I'm seven books through, and I've got to take a break; read something mindless and fun.

I think I'm going to re-read the Conrad Stargard series (Leo Frankowski, I've written about the books before here). Utterly and completely Marty Stu, but fun.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Sorry, this is just too amusing:

BOISE, Idaho (AP) — As Idaho voters decide on a sweeping education overhaul this November, teachers opposing the reforms may find themselves in a bind at the ballot box: By rejecting the changes, they could also be turning down a performance bonus after years of reduced or stagnant salaries.  

Idaho introduced merit pay under the reforms approved in 2011 and teachers worked toward those financial incentives last year. But the bonuses won't be paid out until Nov. 15, nine days after the referendum, and state officials say they can't distribute the money if the laws are repealed.  

The timeline is prompting outcry from the state's teachers union, which is fighting to overturn the reforms authored by Idaho schools superintendent Tom Luna.  

"The state Department (of Education) is holding this money hostage," said Idaho Education Association President Penni Cyr. "The teachers earned it, the legislature appropriated it last year and they intended it to be used for teacher compensation."  

Luna's office counters that the bonus payout plan follows the law and the only barrier to handing out the money would be the referendum spearheaded by the union.  

"It's not fair for them to say we're holding them hostage, they're the ones that put the referendum on the ballot, which is the only reason why these bonuses couldn't be paid," said Luna spokeswoman Melissa McGrath said. "We did not ask for there to be a referendum."  

If the laws are voted down, McGrath said, the state won't have the legal authority to distribute the funding.

So let's recap for those outside of Idaho. Tom Luna, Superintendent of Education for Idaho, drafted a plan for education reform in Idaho, which passed the legislature. Among the reforms were loss of tenure for new teachers, merit pay for all teachers, and bonuses for teachers who elect to lead extracurricular activities or go to needy school districts. Oh, and restricted bargaining rights for the unions.

First, they tried to get Luna recalled, with a ballot initiaitive. They got enough signatures to get it on the ballot, but it failed miserably... Basically the only people who voted for it were teachers and their immediate families.

Then they attempted to get the law repealed, which last year failed for lack of signatures (and included a huge scandal where teachers were encouraging 18-year-old students to get involved in the effort). However, partial repeals are referendums on this years ballot. Evidently they had enough time to get the signatures. One of those repeals regards restricted bargaining rights (yeah, like that's gonna pass) and the other regards merit pay.

Yeah, this is going to get interesting... As it is, the number of parents opposed to the reforms wasn't exactly high to begin with. Plus with all of the new educational choices that popped up, including free public virtual high schools, it's not like the kids have exactly been suffering.

In other news, Tom Luna is being floated as a possible pick for Romney's Education Secretary. He's already a member of Romney's Education Policy Advisory Group.

He's evidently also sharp as a tack, that one.

I can hear the handwringing already...

Mel

Edited to add: Evidently there's also a third referendum on the ballot that would repeal the requirement for all high school students to take at least 2 online classes (with state-issued laptops and computers no less) in order to graduate. Seriously, what is the union smoking and could it be more blatant in its attempt to save itself?

Pregnancy is Not For Wimps

According to our calculations we are on Week 7, Day 6 of Baby Byrne's gestation.

I've determined just why I can't remember the first trimester from my other two pregnancies. Oh, I remember finding out, making plans and all that. Then it's all a blank. If they were anything like THIS pregnancy, I don't remember anything because I spent my time working, being sick, sleeping, and NOTHING ELSE.

First trimester sucks. Oh, I know Chris said I would need him most in the second and third trimesters. Hah. Not even close. But we can excuse his assumptions; this is his first pregnancy rodeo.

If I'm awake I'm nauseous and unable to move without wanting to puke, with an extra special bonus of being severely nauseated by normally inoffensive smells. If I treat the morning all-day sickness I'm half asleep because the medication makes me drowsy. Oh, and I'm stuffing my face at every non-nauseous opportunity.

On the other hand, splitting my time between nauseous and sleepy (and always nearly useless) means that the other first trimester symptoms aren't ruining my life. Imagine the worst PMS/ PMDD you've ever seen. Now magnify it by a factor of 100 and you have first trimester hormones.

I wish I was kidding.

I decided early on that this pregnancy would be as stress-free as I could make it given the circumstances. This means I also decided to avoid any situations that might make my emotions go a bit nuts. And that I decided to avoid making any assumptions about my emotions having any basis in reality at the moment.

Thank fucking God I remembered.

If I'd actually been paying any attention to the mood swings Chris and the doggies would all be dead 10 times over. Touchy? Oh hell yes.

Well, they would be, if I had the energy to get off the couch. As it is, I get irritated and about the time I'm actually tempted to do something I decide that it isn't worth getting up for.

Nature's failsafe. Raise the estrogen levels so the emotions go nuts. Raise the progesterone levels at the same time to ensure there's not enough energy to actually do something about it. Raise the hCG levels so any thought of moving is enough to trigger debilitating nausea. This is how we survive as a species.

Chris has evidently decided that discretion is the better part of valor and has therefore abstained from saying anything that might "trigger" me or make it harder for me to ignore my mood swings. Smart man. It's almost like he read up on the hormones beforehand or something.

So to recap:
Nauseous or asleep.
Constantly tired.
Eating a ton.
Extremely emotionally unstable.
Feel like I've lost about 40 IQ points.

Yep, sounds like a typical first trimester. Good news is that within the next 2 weeks my hCG levels will start dropping and I will start acting like myself again. The second and third trimesters should be a comparative breeze.

Well, except for the whole "giving birth" bit.

Mel

One small step...

... Further backwards that is.

Neil Armstrong passed from this world on August 25th 2012, at the age of 82.

I have only this to say about his passing:

Only twelve men have walked on the moon. The first was on July 21st 1969 (Neil Armstrong, who was 38 at the time), the last was December 14th 1972 (Gene Cernan, who was also 38).

Of those twelve men, four have died. The youngest of them will be 77 in two months, the oldest surviving will be 83 in January.

Every day that goes by without more men walking on the moon is another small step backward for mankind. Every one of those men who dies is one giant leap.

We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too. -- John F. Kennedy, Houston, Sept. 12th 1962

The NY Jets are on Crack

So, the Jets acquired Tim Tebow, while keeping Mark Sanchez; and they plan to play them both, picking their starters on game day...

They're on crack.

If you're going to go with a two QB strategy (a stupid idea in general, but there are certain specific situations where I suppose it MIGHT work), you want to pick two players whose strengths and weaknesses offset each other.

In Tebow and Sanchez, they've got two players with basically the same weaknesses and strengths.

Tebow doesn't have a field read, plain and simple; and most of the time neither does Sanchez. Because of their inconsistent read and feel, while they both have natural leadership abilities, they can't consistently be a leader on the field, able to rally the team to a greater performance than they otherwise might have achieved.

THAT is what is needed to be a great quarterback. Not arm strength, not accuracy, not scramble, not just plain natural talent... There have been plenty of first round draft pick quarterbacks who have had all that, and just couldn't make it in the NFL, ending up as busts, or just middling talents (or most frustrating, the "almost" or "coulda been" greats).

Leadership, situational awareness, game feel, and instant read, are what separates great quarterbacks from good ones.

Brady isn't great because of his arm, he's great because of his field read, and because of his on field leadership.

The instant field read is what lets Brady know when he CAN hold it for what seems to be WAY too long (especially behind a mediocre pass protect line) and still make the long yardage pass... or when he needs to dump it off. The leadership and game feel, are what lets him take a team that's down, disorganized, demoralized... Rally them up, and come back and win.

Tebow doesn't have it. Sanchez sometimes shows a little bit of it, but sometimes he's clearly in his own head, or he just doesn't have the situational awareness.

Both of them are still playing college ball; and playing college ball in the NFL is a good way to become a legendary draft bust.

They both try to use their footwork and toughness, to get out of trouble. They both alternate between dumping off too soon, and missing major opportunities; and holding on too long and taking a sack, a down, or a short pitch where they could have had 10 or 15 yards if they'd seen the earlier opening.

There were some great QBs who just had that read naturally from minute one (Joe Montana, Dan Marino)... But most guys had to learn it. It can sometimes take years, but most of the really great guys pick it up pretty fast ONCE THEY UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY'RE DOING WRONG.

Drew Bledsoe could have been one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. He had an incredible arm. He threw long passes and quick pitches better than anyone playing with him... But he had inconsistent situational awareness, field read, and game feel. It made him one of the most intercepted QBs, and one of the most sacked QBs (in 1994, his second season, he threw more passes than any other QB had in history, was fourth in touchdowns, but also first (or last) in interceptions).

But he could have had it. You could see it in pressure situations when he wasn't overthinking it, and wasn't second guessing; he was just reading the field and responding fluidly... And he got the Patriots into the superbowl with it.

November 13th 1994, week 11, with a 3-6 record; the Patriots are losing to the Minnesota viking 20-3 at the half. Bledsoe comes out of halftime in two minute drill, firing left right and center, going 45/70 with no interceptions, leading the the Patriots to win the game 26-20 in overtime. In one of the greatest full season comebacks in NFL history, the Patriots then go undefeated the remainder of the season, basically running every game in two minute offense, trying to salvage the playoff chances for the first time since 1986.

The problem with Bledsoe was, he didn't have a strong enough coach/management team to break him of his bad habits, and get him out of his ego, show him what he was doing wrong and make him work to change it.

This isn't to say that Bill Parcells was weak, far from it; but Parcels wasn't allowed to discipline Bledsoe properly, particularly in his first season under old owner James Orthwein. Bledsoe was allowed to become a "superstar", and was handled too gently.

After buying the Pats from Orthwein, Bob Kraft gave Parcells more leeway to discipline Bledsoe in his second season, but not enough, and by his third season the pattern was set... he wasn't coachable anymore (Bledsoe is why for all his subsequent contracts, Parcells insisted on having full control and leeway over personnel).

Thus, Bledsoe may not even make the hall of fame, never mind be in anyones top ten lists (except maybe top ten "could have been an all time great but wasn't" list).

Tebow and Sanchez both need some really great coaching. Tebow in particular should respond well to it... But not if they're splitting duties with each other. They both need the kind of individual attention and focus that only comes with experience at being the starter, and the leader on the field.

Both are salvagable as potentially great quarterbacks... but not in this system.

If this is the extent of your political understanding (and you agree)...

You don't get to be part of the discussion anymore. You have proven yourself incapable of talking with the grownups, time to go back to the kiddy table.

Watch Ron Paul permanently and fatally beclown himself:

Comments were broken for a few days

They're fixed now.

Mel was messing with the template and accidentally killed comments, around Thursday sometime. We noticed last night, and fixed them this morning.

Jesse Stone done

Finished all 10 Jesse Stone books. Up to 50 books in 14 days. Now on to Travis McGee

Spenser project is complete...

...Now it's on to Jesse Stone.

Whoever's writing this script... please call my office, I'd like to make some changes

So...

Had my surgical followup today.

More of our repeating pattern of "good news, bad news, worse news" really...

So, first... the good news...

The surgery was entirely successful, and I seem to have tolerated it well. I'm recovering a bit slower than typical, but I also had a much larger tumor than usual (in fact, much larger than they had estimated on the ultrasound), and there was more surgical trauma than usual. So, it's pretty much as expected, and nothing to worry about.

Also, it appears both of my parathyroids are functioning properly, and I have little if any nerve damage.

The pathology report came back, and according to my surgeon, it's a very good thing that they got it now; because they are calling this an extremely aggressive malignancy.

Actually, the surgeon said it was the most aggressive thyroid cancer he had ever seen (that hadn't gone lymphocytic); and that if they hadn't got it, I would have had at most a year, possibly only a few months, before I was in critical condition.

The other good news is, because of the pathology of the cancer, it's unlikely (though still possible) that I have one of the nastier variants of multi-endocrine neoplasia, which was thought to be a possibility. I have a variant of multi-endocrine neoplasia, with associated paraneoplastic syndrome, but not likely one of the variants that will almost certainly kill me.

Now, the rest of the news, which goes from bad to worse...

They got the primary mass, and they're pretty sure they got 100% of it, because it was well encapsulated...

Unfortunately, there was very extensive vascular infiltration, which couldn't be entirely excised.

Also, as was reported earlier I may have microlesions in my pituitary and adrenal glands (they're so small that even on a contrast MRI the tests are inconclusive without biopsy; they could just be noise)... Well, with the pathology and the vascular infiltration, combined with my symptoms and hormonal levels; you can consider that a probable, not just a possible.

What it comes down to, is that I still have cancer, with near spread confirmed, and distant but limited spread (into my other endocrine glands) probable.

At one point, my care team thought I may be able to get away without radiation... Now, it's clear that will not be the case.

In fact, because of the size of the tumor (10.2cm, and between blood, tissue, and blood loss during surgery, weighing over 3kg), the aggressiveness of the cancer, the vascular infiltration, and the distant microlesions; I am going to have to undergo an aggressive series of radiation therapy.

I will have to take from one to three courses of high dosage oral radioactive iodine (I-131), with injectable isotope markers (very different from the low dose therapy). The first course will take approximately three months (4-8 weeks of pre-radiation preparation, one week of radiation, then one month to recover), with each successive course taking another 4 weeks of preparation, and 4 weeks of recovery.

During each course of I-131 I will need to be in the hospital for 3-7 days, followed by 3-4 weeks of recovery prior to testing for the next course of radiation

The total series of radiation, recovery, and testing, will take from 3 to 7 months; depending on the results after each course of radiation.

So yeah... that's pretty bad... but at least there's a 94-96% chance of eliminating all cancer and preventing recurrence.

And then there's the side effects...

With low dose radioactive iodine, most people are able to work, and function, other than 3 or so days around the radiation doses themselves.

This is NOT low dose radioactive iodine.

For each course, I am going to have to spend 3-7 days in an isolation ward, during which time I will be radioactive enough to possibly make other people ill (as an engineer and someone who knows physics I say "no way, I know how low the effective dose someone else would get from me would be" but doctors are hyper-conservative about that sort of thing); and then 3-4 weeks at home while I recover.

During this time, I will be severely immunocompromised, and radioactive; unable to sleep with my wife, unable to spend more than a few hours a day in direct contact with my wife or children... for up to 30 days at a time.

I will also be extremely weak, experiencing moderate to extreme nausea, digestive distress, nutrient malabsorption, and extreme fatigue. It's likely I won't be able to stay awake for more than a few hours at a time without resting.

Oh and as an added bonus, there is a very good chance it will make me infertile, with at the very least permanently reduced (possibly even reduced to nothing) sperm count.

All while my pregnant wife is going through her second and third trimester.

So while my wife needs me most, I will be literally radioactive and not able to be in close contact with her...

Not sure if that's the worst news, or this is...

I can't work.

I have been medically unable to work for the past several weeks. I'm going to be medically unable to work for the next 3-7 months.

... and I've been laid off.

I was working with my employer as what is called a "contingent employee"; which means that although I was in general treated as a full time employee, I was technically a long term contractor with my employment contingent on my performance of contracted duties to my client.

I was not with the company long enough to obtain long term disability coverage.

I held off on making the announcement public while I was waiting for the surgery, because I didn't want people freaking out even more than they already were; and then until today, because I didn't know if I was going to be able to return to work immediately (in which case I had several very good prospects waiting) or if I would have to have some time off.

So as of a few weeks ago, I'm laid off, paying for COBRA health care continuation coverage at over $1000 a month (for the two of us), I need several hundred thousand dollars of cancer care, and my wife has 7 months of pre-natal care and a baby to deliver...

And I'm not going to even be able to look for work for the next 3-7 months...

So... Yeah...

...you know...

good news, bad news, worse news.

Pulling the Zipper

Well, here's the angry red zipper, pre pulling of the staples

...And post staple pull

You'll note, there's a three inch by five inch prominent swelling there; never mind the irritating from the staples themselves.

The actual scar itself is mostly in the crease and seems unlikely to keloid, but based on my other scars, it's going to be big, slightly ragged, and quite noticeable.

Nine Days, One Author, Thirty Four Books, One Character (well... two)

So, for the last nine days, while preparing for and recovering from surgery (my followup is on Wednesday, where they will remove my staples, leaving my new zipper extant only in flesh, with no metal) I have been re-reading the entirety of Robert B. Parkers "Spenser" novels, as well as the 10 Jesse Stone books, and the 21 Travis McGee novels.

As of right now, I'm in the middle of Spenser book 31 ("Bad Business", from  2004); though I actually started by reading the first 3 Jesse Stone books, then switching to Spenser when I realized how fast I was going through them (and would have finished the Jesse Stone books before I even got into surgery).

Yes,  for those who don't know me too well, and think it sounds odd, I've read 34 books in the last 9 days (and four of those days I didn't really read a damn thing I was too laid up).

I'm a speed reader; have been since I was a kid. When I get really cooking and deeply into something I've been known to read over 200 pages in an hour (the fastest I have ever noticed myself reading, was finishing the 368 page Elmore Leonard novel "Rum Punch" in about 75 minutes) , and 120 pages an hour is pretty typical for me.

Frankly that's not that big a deal, they're mostly like 300 page books to begin with (the very first Spenser novel "the godwulf manuscript" ran 208 pages, the rest of them run between 280 and 390 pages); and they're very easy, quick reads. Plus, once you  know an authors style and language, and know the characters and settings really well... You're not actually consciously reading every word anymore, you're sort of absorbing the story and dialogue as you go, and filling in the differences in the descriptions.

Parker published the books, basically one per year, from 1973, until his death in early 2010 (the last two novels Parker wrote in the series were released posthumously in 2010 and 2011); and from the late 80s (1987s "Pale Kings and Princes, the 14th book of the series) I read the entirety of the series contemporaneously (going back and reading the previous 13 all in one burst at my local library one very wet autumn).

At some point later, I was assigned "Early Autumn" as a school book; as were many children in New England (and teachers guides etc... are still available for it... though I doubt a book so politically incorrect would be included in many classrooms today).

I was born in south Boston, and grew up in Boston (and Dorchester, Roslindale, Hyde Park, Mattapan... all part of Boston), the southern suburbs, and New Hampshire. Parker wrote about Boston, and I related to that. He also wrote about... for lack of a better phrase, the manly virtues.

In many ways, I learned about the manly virtues from my grandfather, and from Robert B. Parker (who, were born 13 months apart, both served in Korea, both had somewhat rough early years, and then both educated themselves... even overeducated themselves... and became successful professionals).

My sense of humor is certainly in part a product of that; as is my near constant quoting of literature, song lyrics, trivia etc... relevant to whatever is going on around me.

So, naturally, I don't come at this whole endeavor unbiased...

At any rate...

Parker wrote this character for nearly 40 years, something like 4 MILLION words; and there's an entirely different experience and appreciation of that kind of body of work that you get from reading it all at once, than the experience you would have had reading each book as they came out.

One thing I noticed, which I never had before, is that Spenser really did have a drinking problem in the 70s (and Parker had issues with alcohol his entire life); though no-one would really have thought it so at the time... Men drank. It's what they did.

That reminded me very much of my grandfather. He drank. A hell of a lot. It's what men did at the time.

As the series went on, Spenser drank less (though still far more than would be considered "normal" these days), but the quality of what he drank went up.

One thing that remained relatively constant, was Spensers cultural attitude and general politics. Robert Parker was essentially a 1950s Massachusetts liberal; somewhat socially conservative, but generally tolerant of people if not necessarily accepting of everything about them, slightly leftish, with a melding of blue collar and high brow sensibility... And so was Spenser. By 1973, Parker wasn't particularly pleased with the common culture around him, the coarseness and ridiculousness of it (and only getting coarser), the speed of it, the lack of appreciation for the great things and the little things... and Spenser always reflected that. Parkers politics never really changed, and neither did Spensers.

Also constant, was Spenser rejection of political correctness, and of distorting, rejecting, or devaluing that which was true or real, over that which was politically or emotionally acceptable to someone... This is a constant theme in the series, along with constantly mocking and deflating those who do that sort of thing... or anyone who takes themselves, or their causes, too seriously.

Not all is praise of course.

When I originally read the books, I would always find the character of Susan Silverman somewhat irritating... Now, after 30+ Spenser novels in a week, I can't stand her... at all... I want to skip every part of the books where she is mentioned.

Virginia Heinlein, she is not.

Also... although Parker was still a great writer, and his dialogue and storytelling remained excellent... Basically, he ran out of interesting things to say with Spenser sometime in the early 90s; after which his primary creative efforts went into writing Jesse Stone, and to a lesser extent Sunny Randall.

Frankly... Jesse Stone is the better character. Far more deeply drawn, and far more fully realized than Spenser.

Coming to Jesse at the age of 67 (as opposed to Spenser at the age of 42), Parker had an entirely different base of life experience to write from; and he had the opportunity to define the character better and more deeply, not being limited to the rather rigid mold that Spenser had become.

The last 10 or so Spenser novels... They have some interesting moments, and they are still as well drawn and well characterized as ever... they're just not interesting anymore.

I will of course finish the Spenser series, but at this point I'm more looking forwarding to getting back into the Jesse Stone series (which I actually haven't read all of... I missed a couple in there); and then re-reading Travis McGee (which I haven't done in... ten years maybe? Not since Spider Robinson mentioned Travis in one of the last Callahans novels, "Callahans Key" from 2000)