Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The Gift for the (LARGE) Man Who has Everything

Among the many and varied vicissitudes of life common to large men, especially those of us who are both big, and tall; is the common household toilet.

Simply put, up until very recent "jumbo" designs, most toilets are simply not made for us big guys. They are too low for tall folks, and the bowl is too short for big guys...

...especially if you happen to be, shall we say, large in other ways... One's ...equipment... ends up uncomfortably close to things, one might prefer it not be close to.

This problem is even worse if you happen to have bad knees, as I do; because the too low seat height, combined with the torqueing you tend to apply to the seat as you sit down, adjust yourself, and get up...

Well, let's just say I've broken my share of toilet seat hinges.

They are generally just flimsy plastic after all. Seriously, I'm not THAT fat. Besides, I did it when I was much thinner too.

There is a solution to all of this however; and it doesn't rely on buying some fancy japanese, heated, automated, superjumbo handicaped toilet.

Gentleman, I give you, the BIG JOHN:

Perhaps that doesn't tell the story well enough... I think you need some scale (click to embiggenificate):

Or perhaps the dimensions might be more illuminating:

Seriously, this bugger is HUGE. I cannot begin to describe how LARGE this toilet seat is.
Monkeys should be worshiping it, as the sun rises to the strains of Also Sprecht Zarathustra".

Oh and I'll never have to worry about a broken hinge again:

Truly, the seat of best repose, is made a throne by the Big John.

Today, my wonderful wife decided to ease my suffering; and grace our home with one of these glorious gluteal supporting water closet appurtenances.

So gents, how does it sit?

I can honestly say, it is the most comfortable toilet seat I have ever had the pleasure of using.

The seat provides a 2" lift, which greatly relieves the pressure on my knees during.. mount and dismount, as it were.

It also has an unexpected, but much appreciated benefit. As I mentioned above... let's just say, mine do indeed hang quite low. While seated on my old toilet seat, when flushing, "the boys" would frequently receive a "cold shower" so to speak.

Not the most desirable effect; though I must say, it would quiet effectively wake one into full alertness of an early morning. Bracing.

The open front, which I prefer, not only gives more room for the tackle; but it prevents the rather shockingly unpleasant effect (which thankfully only happened rarely), that I less than fondly refer to as the "junk pinch"; which would sometimes occur when I would adjust my position on the throne.

I must say, I wholeheartedly recommend the Big John for anyone of large stature, large girth, large endowment; and especially those who possess those attributes in combination.

It may not be a Ferguson, but I think Al Bundy would approve.