I fucked up, and I lost a friend because of it... and maybe I'll get him back, but if I don't, it's my fault and I deserve it.
I very badly hurt a friend of mine. With the best of intentions, and in a self righteous fit, I made bad assumptions based on bad information and mis-communication.
I presumed that my friend had done a despicable thing, when he had not. I then treated him as if he had done that thing, though he had not.
That I was mistaken, or that I truly believed I was right, is no excuse; in fact it makes it worse...
I betrayed our friendship by assuming that he was less than a man.
I failed to give my friend credit for his growth as a man, and for his character. I assumed the worst of him... and in that I failed as a friend, and as a man myself.
I did this at a time when he was hurting more than he ever has before in his life. In the most difficult time he has ever had, when I should have been there for him, I made it worse.
It's no excuse, but I did this because I was very badly hurt by what I thought was happening... but what I thought was happening, really wasn't; and rather than make the effort to communicate with him about it, I cut him off. Not only that, but I publicly insulted him.
...and I'm sorry.
I talked to him today, for the first time in a few months... I hadn't understood, I didn't know, and I was very very hurt... but that doesn't excuse my behavior towards him.
I did apologize to him while we talked... for several things... but not enough.
He said to me that he considered my behavior a betrayal of our friendship, and even though I conceded that I was wrong, I didn't agree with him at the time that it was.....
...but he was right. I did betray our friendship.
It wasn't until I really sat down and thought about it for a while that the full weight of my betrayal of my friend settled on me.
The worst thing you can do to a man, is treat him like less than a man. That's exactly what I did to my friend.
...and that's the danger of self righteousness, and anger, and hurt, and reacting without considering and communicating.
I'm a grown man. I'm supposed to know better. I'm supposed to BE better.
...but I fucked up.
...and I'm sorry.
This isn't some "poor poor pitiful me" bullshit, or some self flagellation to make me feel better... and it's not an attempt to win my friend back, or a request for forgiveness.
If he forgives me, that's great. If he doesn't, he'd be justified. I'm not going to ask for forgiveness, because frankly I don't have the right to.
What it comes down to is this: I fucked up in public, and I mistreated my friend in public; and now I'm going to act like the man I should have been, own up to it in public, and apologize in public.
I'm sorry.
