Friday, May 19, 2006

Oh Dear God No

So Bruce almighty over at MassBackwards has laid down the gauntlet and called Armageddon the worst movie of all time.

In particular, he claims it is such, because it has the biggest budget, biggest stars, and most suckage combined.

I call it the suckage index. Biggest budget, Biggest Stars, Biggest Suckage.

It is surely a subjective rating, and honestly we need to make some exceptions or we literally could not calculate it.

First we have to disqualify all b-z grade movies, TV movies, and intentionally bad movies (like anything made by Richard O'Brien). Also cult movies get a pass, as do slasher flics, MOST kids movies (unless they were marketed as mainstream) and disaster flics. They are so bad they have their own category of suckage.

Oh and let's not even get into hong-kong, kung foo, and pure exploitation/sexploitation/blaxploitation movies. But we can leave in the Van Damn/Segal Ouvre because for some reason they were actually meant to be taken seriously... god knows why.

Finally, we need to exclude from the star power calculation movies where the folks in them were nobodies, who later became stars. You know like Kevin Costner and Sylvester Stallone both doing porno in the 70s.

I'm tempted to exclude all sequels, and movies from over the hill no-longer-stars, but that would be too limiting I think.

Note this includes exempting Armageddon, and the Poseidon adventure; both of which CAN be appreciated even through their horrid cheezeyness. In fact Armageddon is one of my favorite popcorn movies.

Anyway those movies are all right out as worst of all time.

In which case I'd say the worst movie with the biggest budget and star power that I've ever seen, thus having the highest suckage index would be...

Oh god the pain is too great... the flashbacks...

I'm thinking it was probably Dungeons and Dragons the Movie. Also they made TWO straight to video sequels and they're even worse.

It WOULD be Highlander two, but there were a lot more stars and higher budget for D&D.

Here's a list of other suggestions for top suckage honors - remember its not the worst movie, its a combination of worst movie, most big stars (must have at least one major and two minor), and highest budget:

Superman IV
Speed 2
Beverly Hills Cop 2 and 3
Water World
Battlefield Earth
Deep Impact
Staying Alive
Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever
Baby Geniuses
Caddyshack 2
The Specialist
Big Mommas House
In The House

Special mention needs to go to:

Any movie starring Madonna
Any Steven Seagal Movie after "Under Siege"
Any Jean Claude Van Damme movie except Kickboxer and Bloodsport
All of the Highlander Sequels as released in theaters (the renegade versions actually kick ass), except MAYBE Endgame
All the Saturday Night Live movies except The Blues Brothers, and Wayne's World

And for a special category of suckage we have:

Any video game movie that wasn't also a comic book (including Manga), and especially anything touched by Uwe Boll.

Any comic book movie not directed by Sam Raimi, Tim Burton, Robert Rodriguez, Brian Singer, Guiellermo Del Toro, or Christopher Nolan (special mention to Hulk, Batman & Robin, Elektra, and Fantastic Four)