I just said goodbye to my best friend; I hope not for the last time.
Jim and I have been best friends for almost 23 years. We met in the line at the door for our first day of second grade.; and have been through everything together since.
He's saved my life; I've saved his. We've bailed each other out of jail. We've been through bad breakups, and bad marriages (well, he never marrie dhis) and everything that life can possibly throw at you.
The thing as, as I have dealt with these things and grown up; he has not.
My best friend is still 13 years old at heart. It's the thing I most love about him, and most hate about him. He doesn't deal with his problems, he just ignores them, pretends they arent there, wishes they would go away, and sometime he drowns them.
See, Jim is severely bi-polar. When he was a teenager they called it "uncontrolled rage syndrom" or some such bullshit. He was very VERY poorly treated for it, running from zombified to the anger and depression being mademuch worse. I won't even get into the various idiotic "therapists" etc....
So Jim refuses to seek medical treatment for his problems today; nor does he take responsibility for them. He just drowns them.
See Jim isn't an alcoholic, he's a drunk. He doesn't have to drink, but once he starts, he doesn't stop. He knows it's a problem, but like his other problems, he doesnt face up to it.
I can't tell you how much I love this man. Other than Mel and the kids, he is literally the most important person in the world to me. More than my brother, more than my mother.
A few weeks ago Jimmy got so drunk, he couldn't find his car the next day, and John and I spent the day looking for it with him; after spending the night hearing from him every few minutes, driving drunk, getting into two fights, hiding from the cops...
A few days later Jimmy got VERY drunk again, and I literally had to carry him beack to my house, takes his keys from him, and get him sober enough to get home. During that time he nearly passed out a few times, generally made an ass out of himself, tried to start fights etc...
At that point I made him make a promise; that he wouldn't get drunk around me again. I told him he could drink, but that he couldnt drink at my house, and that he couldn't ever be drunk around me again.
Today we went to poker. He ordered a beer, and I reminded him of his promise. He of course said he would jsut have two and then he would switch to coke. At four beers I told him "You're already drunk, stop now."
So he had another beer without me noticing. Then we ended up both going out and by this time he was failry drunk and I told him that I was pissed etc... THe waitress put another beer in front of him, and I told him that if he drank it that was it.
I said that if he preferred beer to his best friend, that was fine; that he owed me $4000 and I'd kindly like it back as soon as possible; and if he drank that beer he'd be throwing away 23 years of friendship.
He basically said "Oh come one" and he drank the beer.
I got up, and walked out. On the way out I told him "I love you. You can be my friend again when you stop drinking".
I'm a grown man, I have kids, and a wife, and all those things. Why do I want to cry like a little kid? Why can't I see straight. How can he jsut throw his life and my friendship away like that.
I can't watch him do it anymore. I've done everythign I can; helped in every way; been there for him in every way...
I just can't do it anymore. It's time for him to start taking care of himself, giving back, making good. It's time for him to grow the fuck up and be a man. To be my friend again.
Until then, theres a huge hole in my life, and in my heart; but its better than watching him kill himself.
But I still can't see straight...
