It's getting warm in the metro Phoenix area again, which means that on top of scalding hot steering wheels and immediate sunburns we have the many fashion faux pas of our fellow Zonies and the few unfortunate tourists. Nothing encourages bad choices as much as warm weather, and this year is no exception.
Since I work retail at a state park frequented by visitors and live in metro Phoenix I have unfortunately seen too many of these as of late. So, along with my first 3 examples I will give rules for the fashionably challenged.
This season started off pretty tame, with a young woman whose mother evidently did not teach her the finer rules of wearing a bra. So the first two fashion rules are:
1. No part of a bra should be visible under a shirt.
2. If, for some reason, a bra should become visible it should not be so different in color from either skin or shirt that it is obscenely obvious.
This poor soul was wearing a pure white racerback bra with a black halter top, thus both pulling everyone's attention to the bra and the fact that the only hidden part of the bra was the cups. Oddly enough after she left I commented about this to the next customers I had, a pair of 60-something woman. When I said I worried about the generation after mine one said," and how do you think we feel about you?" Touche. But no amount of worry could remove the fashion faux pas of the young woman and thus she became the first contender.
Shortly after the previous contender I was confronted with an even worse choice. Now I understand that black is a social statement, but this was a little ridiculous. So, here goes:
3. Do not wear colors that clash together, especially not close together.
4. Anyone who wears black in the summer will be assumed to be insane.
5. Fashion trends have an expiration date. Check yours before leaving the house.
Another young woman, obviously pissing her parents off. Black tights, black and yellow plaid school-girl skirt, black baby doll t-shirt, and a RED and black men's necktie. Primary yellow and red DON'T mix, and the Avril Lavigne necktie rage died oh, about FOUR YEARS AGO. Keep up please.
Ah, but this was trumped just yesterday by someone who should have been old enough better. Middle aged women cannot be assumed to be ignorant of the rules, which include:
6. Sweatsuits don't belong anywhere outside of the house, gym, or morning jog.
7. NO ONE looks good in sweatsuit grey.
8. Designing your own hemlines is a recipe for disaster.
9. Plaid only matches the colors within the plaid, if you're lucky.
10. Cowboy hats only go with (semi-)western clothing.
11. SOME PEOPLE SHOULD NOT WEAR MIDRIFF-BARING TOPS. Unless you are under thirty, have flat abs, or are intentionally trying to torture us they should be avoided at all costs.
So this fine specimen who should have known better entered the store where I was working wearing plaid Keds and a white cowboy hat so you already know it will end badly. But her choice of attire was a grey sweatsuit cut to have t-shirt length sleeves, capri length pants, and a bare midriff. On a middle aged woman with a belly roll.
*pause for shudder*
So for all of the contenders, you will have to (somehow) make worse choices than the middle-aged woman above. I know there will be plenty more entries before the summer is over as readers rat on you (feel free to email them in to melody.byrne@gmail.com or put them in comments) but that one will be tough to beat.
I honestly hope I am not the one to spot the winner.
Mel
Just call me Mel, everyone else does.
