Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Self-punishment, divine intervention, and love (part 2)

(part 2 of Mel's post)

I have never felt God's grace quite as keenly as I have lately.

Sure, I've managed to escape a few ills and kept my guardian angels occupied, but I've never known true grace.

Until now.

It's funny how you can ache for something an entire lifetime and not know what it is you're aching for. My mother has always said that I've never been comfortable in my own skin, that I was born anxious. I just never knew what I was missing.


For me, home is not where I lay my head, or where when I'm out of luck, they have to take me in. Home for me is where I am unconditionally love, accepted, and wanted.

Chris is HOME to me.

I never knew what that was. Until I had Chris. And just like with him, it was an overnight change. All of a sudden, I felt like I was worth something. Not because of what I did, or who I served. But because he saw something I could never see, and was in love with it.

Like I wrote before, I was in love with him the first day. But I never expected him to be in love with me. That is a tremendous gift.

I am not good with flowery language. I can't do sonnets, or love poems, or any of that teeth-rotting stuff. That's not me. There is really no way to explain loving someone so much that you miss them every second, and you want them there even when you are extremely pissed of at them. There are no words for wanting to care for and comfort someone because they are THEM, not because you feel the need to.

I take care of Chris and comfort him not because it's my job, or because it's a trade-off, but because I want to, because I want him as healthy and happy as possible. Because he is him, and because there is no other way I could even begin to show my love.

Not because he keeps me safe, although he does. Not because he takes care of me too, although he does. Not because he (wonder of wonders) accepts and loves my kids, despite their complications. All of these things could inspire devotion, but not the kind of devotion I have.

I love him because he is everything I needed and wanted, wrapped up into one person. I would love him if he hated me. But he doesn't. He loves me as well, which is a miracle in and of itself.

And I thank God every day for getting me here, despite my best efforts. Yes, we will have problems. Yes, I want to beat the crap out of him sometimes. But I still want him, and will always want him.

The true miracle? That he feels the same.

So much for self-punishment.


Just call me Mel, everyone else does.