Monday, March 06, 2006

With This Ring, I Thee Wed

You all know a bit about Mel. Not enough yet, bit I think you might realize, it takes a pretty special lady to make me want to marry again.

I was married once, I've said it before, and in all seriousnesss, it was the biggest mistake of my life. I married someone who I loved, and cared for, but was not in love with; because I thought it was better for her. I wanted a partner, but I ended up being her parent; and I was BEFORE we were married. I knew it, and I still did it because I hoped it would be better, that I could help her, that I could MAKE her better, and that she would BE my partner.

I KNEW it wasn't true, that I would be stuck with this; but I did it anyway.

I have a long history of sacrificing myself to care for others. Paradoxically, I also have a long history of predatory sexual behavior. Seriallly seducing sexual conquests; and other self destructive sexual behavior. It's not about the sex, it's the risk, the challenge, and the control; which balances off the care giver in me. The more I sacrificed for others, the more I also sacrifieced my tru human emotion for the feeling of power and control that satisfying my addiction gave me.

My relationship with Melody is so unlike that, that I cannot posibly describe the differences.

For the last few years, I've been mostly without direction or meaning in my life. I've been repeatedly screwed over in business, and personally; and I hadn't despaired, I'd simply become apathetic.

THough I suppose that IS a kind of despair; in fact it's the kind that many think of as a sin (in the religious sense).

I gave up what was left of my life and what was left of my hope, drive, and my motivation when my mothers illness required me to pack up Ireland, leave everything, and come back to Arizona.

Yes, I've functioned, and I've gone after work, and I've improved my life; but I didn't really give a damn.

There's this great song, "my give a damn is busted", and really it has been.

Three years... It seems at the same time like it was yesterday, and as if it was a century ago. It has this strange unreal timeless feeling.

Honestly, since then I've mostly just been existing. Sure, I've been happy and said, but I've been parked. I spent over a year in a relationship with someone who I wasn't in love with, simply because I couldnt be btoherd not to be - if that makes any sense.

Again, it all seems jsut like it was a holding place in time; unreal, and unformed.

All that changed a few months ago. I didnt realize it at first, but it soon became clear; Melody has been the catalyst for a return of hope, and a return of love, and a return of FEELING to my life.


It was literally an overnight change. One day I didn't really give a damna bout anything around me, the next day I did. One day I had no particular reason to get up, the next day I had Melody.

And every day since, I wake up for her, and for the kids; and the ver thought of waking up for them every single day for the rest of my life gives me such joy and satisfaction that I cannot possibly explain it in words.

Those of you lucky enough understand; the rest of you never will, and probably think this is all sappy bullshit.

I love being a daddy. I love Melody. I love Rosie and Shaila. Saying I lvoe them is so completely inadequate that it's almost insulting.

Mel has a complicated divorce and custody situation to work out; because the genetic material donor is in canada, and wants to do everything he can to screw her over. A while back Mel and I decided that we weren't going to wait for the civil mess, and we privately personally married each other; which happens to be far more traditional in my family than a white dress and a man in black up the front.

I put a ring on her finger, and swore a personal oath, to her and to god; and to me that has far more force than a law, or a marriage license.

Melody is my wife, and I love her, and our children, more than anything in this world; and I want everyone to know this.