You Know You're Addicted to Caffeine When... |
You haven't slept since the Clinton Administration. Your next-door neighbors often call to complain about the sound of your chattering teeth. Instead of Tic Tacs, you suck on Vivarin. You plan to name your twins "Cappuccino" and "Espresso." On the way to work you get pulled over for speeding and you don't even have your car. You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee to decaffeinated Folgers. You wake up in the middle of the night screaming "Pepsi! For the love of God, I need Pepsi!" When a Maxwell House commercial comes on, you actually lick the TV screen. You drink so much coffee it starts shooting out your ears. You're shaking like Michael Jackson on his wedding night. You think sleep is for the weak. You've just had your 20th cup of coffee within 20 minutes on a Friday afternoon, at 4 o'clock, just so "the milk doesn't go bad over the weekend" You believe that the coffee bean is a vegetable. You know from experience caffeine tablets don't dissolve in cola. You wake up to Mountain Dew, before switching to JOLT. You can name five flavors of JOLT. You have a mini-fridge under your desk... and a catheter. You drink decaf by accident and slip into a coma. Mountain Dew is the stuff great decisions are made of. You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign. You have tattooed across the knuckles of your hands "JOLT" and "COLA" Your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia. You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee. Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen. You've ever an airplane's call button just to get a coffee refill. You've knelt and prayed before a Starbuck's logo. Your web page has the Mountain Dew color scheme. You have distilled Jolt Cola to make it more potent. The dishes in your house are all coffee cups. You see nothing wrong with using water joe (caffeinated water) to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze. You believe that sleep is simply a poor substitute for sleep It's 6:09 AM and you're on your 2nd 20oz. cup of coffee. You have to drink some form of caffeinated beverage just to sleep. You'd rather be beaten over the head with a sledgehammer than give up that first cup of coffee in the morning. You've given up sex, TV, or all forms of meat for Lent before, but can't make it 40 days without caffeine. You suck on a used coffee filter (full of coffee grounds) whenever the can runs out of coffee. You dip espresso beans. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to caffeine. |
You Know You're Addicted to Coffee When... |
You can jump start your car without cables. You answer the door before people knock. You get a speeding ticket even when you are parked. You've worn out your third pair of shoes this week. Your eyes stay open even when you sneeze. You grind coffee beans in your mouth. You can type sixty words per minute -- with your feet. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. You sleep with your eyes open. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. Instant coffee takes too long to make. You channel surf faster without the remote. You don't sweat... you percolate. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. You short out motion detectors. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. The only time you are standing still is during an earthquake! You've worn the finish off your coffee table. All your kids are named Joe. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. People get dizzy just watching you. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. When someone asks 'How are you?' you say, 'Good to the last drop'. You buy milk by the barrel. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You can't even remember your second cup. You chew on other people's fingernails. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. You don't get mad, you get steamed. You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. You don't tan, you roast. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You help your dog chase its tail. You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You lick your coffeepot clean. You name your cats Cream and Sugar. You ski uphill. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. You speed-walk in your sleep. You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House. You think being called a drip is a compliment. You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low. Your taste buds are so numb; you could drink your lava lamp. Your Thermos is on wheels. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. You've worn out the handle on your favourite mug. You take your morning coffee with you in the shower. Your heart beats noticeably faster as a reaction to the smell of coffee. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to coffee. |
